Total pages in book: 74
Estimated words: 71054 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71054 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 355(@200wpm)___ 284(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
That was undoubtedly the toxic masculinity ingrained in our heads since birth. But I also didn’t want to rock the boat. Ellis needed me right now, and I enjoyed comforting him. I derived a certain satisfaction from helping my best friend.
After one episode, we were already nodding off, so I clicked off the screen and stood up to stretch. “Let’s go to bed.” I stiffened as soon as I said the words. “I just mean—”
“I know what you mean.” Ellis yawned. “Don’t be dumb.”
“Do you mind if first I…make sure everything’s locked?”
“Of course.” Ellis strode to the door, and I went to the window, purposely making a racket by pulling on the sash and proving it was secure. I got why it was important to him; I would’ve done the same thing.
I turned toward my room, and he followed me. We stripped down to our boxers—no longer bothering with formality—and slid under the covers. The fact that we’d already developed a pattern felt strange but comforting.
We were lying on our backs, staring at the ceiling, when Ellis asked, “What do you think Perry and Anthony would say if they knew you were letting me stay here?”
“Why does that matter? It’s a bunch of bullshit.”
“What is?”
“That guys can’t be there for each other,” I told him. “Women do this so much better than us.”
“Yeah, no kidding. It’s that stay-strong-and-silent mentality. Even my stepdad said something similar, probably without even realizing it. It’s just what you say, I guess.”
“Jesus. What were you supposed to do while they held a gun on you? Go all Rambo?” We hadn’t talked about the details, and I wasn’t sure if I should now, but I couldn’t help myself.
Ellis made a frustrated sound, and I felt him trembling.
“Come here,” I said, swallowing down the lump in my throat.
“No, it’s okay—”
“Get over here. You’re my friend, and I’m allowed to comfort you.”
Ellis waited for a beat, then scooted over. Before it got awkward, I wrapped him in my arms the best I could because he was bigger than me. He smelled like sweat and his spicy body wash, and after a few days of him in my bed, I’d gotten used to it. I only hoped I didn’t stink after such an energetic practice.
I was also acutely aware that we were both in our underwear, but I ignored it.
Instead, I stroked his hair, which felt silky against my fingers. “You okay, man?”
“I will be. Thanks for being the best kind of friend I could ask for.”
“You’d do the same, wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah, definitely. I just don’t know…” He trailed off, shaking his head.
I pulled back to look at him. “Don’t know what?”
“How people do it. Continue living in the same place they’ve been… It feels…defiled.”
I felt terrible, like it was somehow my fault. “You think you might want to find another apartment?”
“Maybe. Might help that feeling I get whenever I think about how they—” He shivered.
“Describe it,” I murmured, hoping he’d open up to me.
“I feel…jumpy. On high alert. Like someone’s gonna sneak up behind me.”
“Fuck. I don’t know if it helps, but I’m here now, and I’ll do whatever it takes to make you feel safer.” I hugged him tighter. “It’s okay to need someone.”
I felt his body relax against me. “Yeah, okay.”
“Does it help to sleep at my place?”
“Yeah.” He ground his head into my shoulder as if regretting the confession.
“Then you should stay for the foreseeable future.”
Ellis drew back. “I can’t infringe—”
“You’re not. Besides, it’s nice having you here.” It was the truth, but I still had trouble admitting it. Maybe someday I’d get sick of it, but for now, it was totally cool. “Let’s get some sleep.”
He nodded, lying flat again. Eventually, he turned his back to me, but without moving farther away. Maybe we’d finally stop pretending we were unaffected dude-bros who didn’t sleep in the same bed.
His shoulders shook a little as he drew in some breaths, so I stretched my hand out to rub his back. “Is this okay?”
He shivered a little, then sighed without responding, so I took that as an affirmative. I glided my hand up and down the knobs of his spine, noticing how smooth his skin was around the little scars and moles I felt with the pads of my fingers. Moments later, his breaths evened out, and he fell asleep.
Still, I didn’t move my hand right away but wasn’t exactly sure why. I felt out of sorts from the hugging and comfort and closeness. I repositioned my fingers to his waist, telling myself it was to offer him support while he slept, but maybe it was the other way around.
6
Ellis
Walking past the cafeteria at Hawthorne Middle School, I spotted Chase at a table all by his lonesome—so either he was abandoned or wasn’t invited to sit with anyone. Fuck, I hated that. Hated how hard it was for some kids to fit in.