Total pages in book: 144
Estimated words: 135382 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 677(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 451(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135382 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 677(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 451(@300wpm)
And she’d probably died for it. She’d gone from being a brave young nurse with an infectious smile to being a dead body in a doorway.
What had happened to her before she’d died? What horrors had she gone through?
“Stay with me, Stephanie.” Kai’s voice soothed her and she forced herself to focus.
“The only people who were alone with the patient were me and Anya,” she said.
“What about Alfi?”
She stopped. How could she have forgotten about Alfi? “Yes. He sat with the man for a little while. But he didn’t say anything about the patient talking.”
“All right. I think we’re in a good place but I need you to do one more thing for me,” Kai said. “Go back. Go back to that first moment when the boss strode in.”
She let the scene shift and flow back and she was standing in the lobby of the clinic again, in that moment right before the day had gone to hell. She was talking and laughing. She watched herself look up, see the problem coming, and go into action. “I’m there. What am I looking for?”
“I want you to think about that moment when you realized this was serious,” Kai explained. “That moment when the boss strode in and you knew he could kill you.”
What was Kai looking for? She let the moment happen, running up to the second that the boss had looked at her with cold, dead eyes. She watched as a blank look came over her own face. “I’m there.”
“Tell me what your first thought was.”
Without thinking, she spoke. “I thought I’d been waiting for this moment since I was sixteen years old. I thought finally, I get what I deserve.”
The memory fell apart and she was back in the present, staring at a flame. Her heart seemed to seize as she acknowledged the truth.
Kai touched a button and daylight started to stream in.
Why had she told him that? “I don’t really feel like that. It was a momentary lapse.”
Kai turned to her, his intelligent eyes narrowing. “Oh, I doubt that very much. I think that was the most honest you’ve been with me and yourself in a long time. This is what your friends are worried about.”
She knew it was what Avery was worried about. “I’m fine, Doc. I might have those feelings from time to time, but I’m not punishing myself anymore.”
“You used to?”
“I was behind the wheel in an accident that killed two people and left one without the use of her legs for years. And I barely had a scratch on me. Yes, I punished myself. When I was younger I did it all, Dr. Ferguson. I used hardcore drugs, drank anything I could get my hands on, and I don’t remember all the times I used sex to try to obliterate myself.”
“And now you’re involved with a man who enjoys a particular lifestyle.”
She wasn’t going there with him. “Oh, don’t you even judge him for that. It’s not the same thing. Not even close. I’ve hurt myself in an attempt to kill whole parts of my soul, and that is not what happens between me and Brody. It’s not about pain or hurting myself. It’s about connecting and the fact that only that one man in the world can give me relief, can make me feel safe enough that I can let go. I’ve been out of control before and I know what it feels like. It’s nothing like being with Brody. When I’m with him, I can hand over control knowing he won’t use it against me and I’m safe. I’m surprised that you would even think that way. I thought you were in the lifestyle.”
A smile spread over his handsome face and she realized she’d been perfectly manipulated. “I am, and you explained it quite properly to me. You’re cleared for play at Sanctum if it comes up. Now let’s look up that lovely word of yours. Dutch, you said?”
She stopped, confused at his turnaround. “I didn’t expect you to say that. I thought we would have to have more sessions.”
His eyes came up from the tablet in his hands. “You know what your problem is. You admit you made a mistake. I can’t force you to forgive yourself. You know what you have to do. You have to find the meaning in what seems meaningless. I personally would say you’ve done that. You’ve worked tirelessly to save people who wouldn’t have been saved if your life had taken the path it would have without the accident. But I don’t think you’re at peace with it. You can’t be if that was your first thought when confronted with a monster. It wasn’t that you would save your son. It was that you had been waiting for this, deserved this.”
She felt tears gather. “I love my son.”