Total pages in book: 75
Estimated words: 71647 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71647 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 287(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
He narrowed his gaze. “So…friends?”
“Yes, but there was the potential for more. We were just too afraid to do anything about it. I was newly out, and he was mostly in the closet. Again, lack of communication didn’t help matters.”
“Hmm. Tell me about the girlfriend.”
I was so focused on commiserating over our shortcomings that the request blindsided me. I stared at him for a long moment, then opened and closed my mouth twice before looking away. “That was a long time ago.”
“You don’t want to communicate, eh?”
“I did warn you.”
He smiled kindly. “You did. What was her name? If I’m gonna be jealous, it helps to have a name.”
“Sarah.”
“That doesn’t help,” he groused. “I’ve never met a Sarah I didn’t like.”
“She was pretty likable. Actually, she was a little…nosy. She sat behind me in homeroom our freshman year of high school. She used to nudge my shoulder every morning and ask me silly questions about homework or my opinion on the latest installment of The Clone Wars. Eventually, we became friends. And sophomore year, she asked me to winter formal and…you know.”
“She put the moves on you,” Ezra guessed with a laugh. “Smart girl.”
I inclined my head and glanced away briefly. “She was very smart. And she was a good friend. I didn’t have a lot of those in high school. She was the one who saved me a seat at lunch and met me at my locker after class. I don’t know if I was ready to be a boyfriend back then, but being with her was easy and comfortable…and safe.”
“Was she your first?”
“If you’re referring to sexual experience with a female…yes.”
Ezra pursed his lips. “I was. Thanks for clarifying. How long did you go out?”
“Three years.”
“Dude, that’s a lifetime in teenage years.”
“Yes. I should have ended it sooner, but I didn’t know how to do it. She was my best friend, and I didn’t want to jeopardize that. But the relationship part became a habit. I didn’t burn for her. I didn’t get dizzy when she walked into the room. I didn’t study her profile or daydream about her or her body or…anything special. I liked being with her, but the sexual aspects didn’t thrill me. At all. I should have clued in that it had something to do with being gay. I willfully ignored it…even after Greg Wilson kissed me and—”
“Whoa. Who’s that?”
“A knave. A treacherous, lecherous mite.”
“Translation?”
“A jock who needed tutoring to pass high school,” I scoffed. “He kissed me and…as the cliché goes, I liked it. The kiss coincided with the demise of my relationship with Sarah, so it wasn’t cheating. But it felt like it…because I didn’t push him away and tell him he was a two-bit turd. I kissed him back. It never went any further than kissing. I wasn’t ready for more and he didn’t care for my rejection, so in true high-school style, he secretly recorded a kiss and doctored it so you couldn’t tell who I was with. Only that it was me…with a man. He didn’t out me, but he threatened to and that was somehow worse. I lived in fear for weeks.”
“That fucking dick.”
“I know. In hindsight, it was ridiculous, but at eighteen, it took on a life of its own and ruined those final weeks of high school and the whole summer. I’d cut ties with my best friend. I hurt her and I felt terrible about it. And I didn’t really want to talk about Greg because honestly, I’d liked that kiss. I wasn’t ready to face what that meant about me. Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to move to California for college.”
Ezra squeezed my hand. “I’m glad you did. What happened with Sarah? Did you ever tell her you were gay?”
“No.”
“Why?”
I resumed tracing his tattoos and let out a shaky breath. “She died in a car accident when we were nineteen.”
Ezra went completely still. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”
I swallowed hard and nodded. “Me too. You know, when I came out to my parents, they thought it was a reaction to Sarah’s death. They didn’t believe me.”
He frowned. “You said they don’t have a problem with it.”
“Oh, gosh, no. They don’t. My family is very accepting. They were simply concerned I was searching for something or someone so different that I wouldn’t be reminded of Sarah. They weren’t wrong to worry, but they didn’t realize I was just…wrecked with guilt. So frustrated and in pain that I couldn’t be happy with a girl and that the one boy I’d kissed made me feel dirty.” I let out a pained-sounding sigh. “Those were dark times. I used to get debilitating panic attacks. I called them guilt attacks. It was my body’s way of voicing aversion to deceit. Coming out felt like unveiling a crime, not something to celebrate. I threw myself into school to escape it all. And when that wasn’t enough, I joined the HRS…so I could literally pretend to be someone else for a while.”