Total pages in book: 155
Estimated words: 146392 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 732(@200wpm)___ 586(@250wpm)___ 488(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 146392 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 732(@200wpm)___ 586(@250wpm)___ 488(@300wpm)
She must have been terrified because there was actual emotion in his mom’s voice. Not that she was cold. She wasn’t. She loved her kids, her husband, her family, her friends and her gun, Bertha, and in that order. Everything else could burn for all his mom cared. She was focused on a few people.
His dad was the opposite. He was sunny and happy and always willing to lend a hand.
“You never made me feel dumb. I did that to myself,” he replied.
“I teased you,” she said, biting her bottom lip.
He couldn’t stand the fact that she was sitting there wondering if she’d fucked up. He knew that was what she was doing because it was what he would do. He didn’t need an imperfect childhood to have self-doubts. “And I would know you were pissed at me if you didn’t. Mom, this isn’t your fault. My problems with Lou go back a long way. I didn’t fit in with her when she was in school.” How to explain this? “I couldn’t keep up, and I think if she hadn’t been so close to my cousins, it would have ended there. I would have thought she was a nice girl, but not for me. Then we kept getting thrown in together and we fit, but not all the time. I don’t know. Every way I think to explain it makes me look like the asshole who strung her along. But that wasn’t what I was trying to do.”
“Are you sure about that? Tell me what you think would have happened when you left the Army. When you come home and work for McKay-Taggart, did you see yourself alone or was that when things would be right between you and Lou? When it was right for your timeline?”
“See, right there. Asshole. But I can’t convince anyone that I didn’t plan that far. I’m not smart enough to have a damn plan, Mom. I never have a plan. I only knew I couldn’t hurt her. I wasn’t sure I could love her the way she needs to be loved, and I wasn’t sure she could handle what I need from her. I can be…”
She held up a hand. “You don’t have to say it. I understand. In that you do take after your father and your uncles.”
“Okay, that’s gross, but it’s also true. She’s never had an aggressive bone in her body. She’s always been the quiet, sweet one no one else seemed to see for anything except how big her brain is.”
“She was a treasure for you to hoard,” his mom pointed out. “Because you’re a possessive little shit from time to time. It’s okay. So am I. Again, I thought it was because my childhood was so deprived of real affection that when I found it, I had to hold it close. I sometimes got super jealous when women would hit on your dad.”
“Well, one of those women erased his memory for years and caused you to think he was dead for a long time,” he pointed out. “You do have cause, Mom. I don’t, but you’re right. She was mine and it was safe, and now it’s not and she’s still fucking mine but it’s different. And it probably doesn’t matter because she doesn’t believe me. I offered to marry her.”
His mom winced. “Too soon, kid. She probably thinks you’re in a trauma response.”
Well, at least his mother could figure Lou out. “I’m not in a trauma response.”
“You could be. If I were Lou, that’s what I would worry about. You pushed her away for so long. It’s going to be hard to get her to let you in. You’ve done some damage there.”
The words were a kick in the gut. “I didn’t mean to do damage. I was trying so hard not to. But she held back on me, too. She assured me the life she wanted was not something I could be a part of. She never said the words, but we both knew I wouldn’t fit in where she needed to go. Except apparently where she needed to go was with my death-defying cousins, and right in the middle of it. She knifed that dude so perfectly I almost cried a little.”
“She held back on you?” His mother’s brows rose. “Did you happen to sit her down and say ‘hey, Lou, you know how most of my family are total perverts who like to spank their partners and their partners are on the pain-slut side?’”
He felt some sympathy for his uncle in that moment. “You do not have to put it that way. Still your son.”
She shrugged like it was no big deal. “Have you?”
“Of course not, but we belong to the same club.”
His mom bit back a laugh. “I’m sorry, baby. Yes, you belong to the same…club.”