Total pages in book: 71
Estimated words: 66022 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 330(@200wpm)___ 264(@250wpm)___ 220(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66022 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 330(@200wpm)___ 264(@250wpm)___ 220(@300wpm)
Could it be he’d spent a lifetime living the wrong life?
You’re as repressed and hung up as all the other assholes. Had Luke been right? Jack had vehemently denied it at the time. But then, the very nature of repression means you don’t know you’re doing it. You’re hiding from yourself—from your very nature. He’d kept the cover intact for years—a lifetime. Yet now, with a single kiss, Jack found the very fabric of who he thought he was unraveling.
“You’re not listening to a word I’m saying, are you?” Will accused, though he was smiling, his green eyes sparkling.
“What? No, I am. You were talking about how the stock market impacts the cost of fuel, or was it the other way around…?” Jack grinned and shrugged in defeat.
“That was twenty minutes ago.” Will laughed. He stood and pushed back against his chair. “How about a game of darts? Loser buys the winner another round of Guinness.”
“It’s a deal, though I think I’ll switch to Coke.”
In darts they were much more evenly matched than at pool. They each won a game, then Will broke the tie in the ninth inning of the third game. They returned to the table, fresh drinks in hand. Jack felt considerably more relaxed, the physical activity of the game perhaps sublimating some of his lingering sexual energy.
Jack finally dared to turn the conversation toward what had happened earlier that day.
“That kiss—” he began. He felt his cheeks warming and hoped the room was too dim for Will to notice. …was amazing. Was the most incredible kiss I’ve ever experienced. Was the first time I’ve kissed a man… No. He wasn’t going to lie. In fact, maybe that was the key. Maybe, if he confided in Will, if he told someone what had happened over twenty years ago, he might be able to understand it better. To process it and see how or if it had anything to do with his reactions and desires now.
“That kiss,” Will repeated softly, his expression gentle but coaxing.
“It—it wasn’t my first time.”
Will tilted his head, a question on his face. “Well, I wouldn’t think so. I mean, you were married and all.”
“No, no,” Jack said, flustered. As he saw the smile slide over Will’s face he realized he’d deliberately misunderstood. He was teasing him. How could he make light of something so monumental?
Maybe it wasn’t so monumental? It was just a kiss. Jack was making it a huge deal, but was it? “A guy,” he finally said. “I kissed a guy once. A long time ago. We were best friends. His name was Luke. We were just kids, barely eighteen.” He held his breath as he waited for Will’s reaction.
Will nodded, though he didn’t seemed stunned by the revelation, far from it. “Well, okay. Lots of people experiment. It’s perfectly normal. It doesn’t mean you’re gay.”
“We did more than kiss.” Jack knew his face was crimson now, but he was determined to make Will understand the import of what he was confessing. “At least—at least he did. To me.” He hid his face behind his soda, draining the glass.
Will looked considerably more interested. “Is that right? But then you married…”
“Yes. The next night my girlfriend and I went all the way. She got pregnant. We got married. End of story.”
“Wow. And this guy—”
“Luke.”
“Luke. What happened to him?”
“He left town. Disappeared. He was my best friend since we were twelve but I never saw him after that.”
“So it was just the one time.”
“Yes.”
Jack waited while Will digested this. After a moment Will smiled. “It’s okay. That still doesn’t make you gay.”
Jack set down his glass rather too hard on the table. He realized he had wanted Will to confirm he was gay, or if not gay, at least curious. Bi-curious. He plunged on, saying what he’d never dared say to himself for so many years. “I liked it. Don’t you see? I was so turned on. I’ve never experienced that level of intensity since, never. Never until,” his voice ended in a whisper, “today.”
Will was silent for several beats. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Was it—for you, was it something special too? I mean, am I just making a big thing out of nothing?” Jack heard the hint of desperation in his voice. He stopped, swallowed and cleared his throat. He was a grown man. He could be honest. Maybe for the first time in his life, he could be truly open with someone, no matter how scary it felt.
“I have to tell you, Will, I have no idea what I’m doing right now. I don’t know the next step. I don’t know what you see in me, if you really see anything in me beyond a little diversion. I’m way the hell out of my ken here. You have to know that. I guess I’m saying I need your help. I don’t know the game we’re playing now. I don’t know the rules. I don’t know how to play.” Jack knew he sounded hopelessly naïve, but then he was, wasn’t he?