Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 84227 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84227 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
“You’re a good person, Kell. What are you talking about?”
“Yeah, I mean, I know that, but it’s hard to feel it sometimes. Or hell, I don’t know, maybe I’m not explaining it right, but like I’m such a mess, you can’t have a life of your own. It has to all be about me, which makes me feel like shit.”
Griff sighed, his finger tracing the edge of his water glass. “I don’t know how to be any other way.”
“I know.” I reached over and put a hand on his arm. “I know. You’re the best brother there is.” And he was. Griff loved me with his whole heart. He loved Chase that way too. “But you have to let me fuck up. You have to let me go, in some ways, and know that I’m not going anywhere. You never would have walked away from me, and I’ll never walk away from you. We’re brothers.”
And maybe that’s what it was. Griff held on to me so tightly because he didn’t want to be alone, because he didn’t really let himself have a life outside of me. But he needed to. He deserved that.
He nodded. Margaret brought us our food, and we were quiet for a moment.
“Feels like somehow I’m gonna lose both of you,” Griff finally admitted. You could have knocked me over with a feather, I was so surprised. “You and Chase have both always been so different from me. You think I don’t trust you, and that’s not true. I worry about you, yes, but hell, I envy you in a lot of ways. It’s easier to focus on you than my own shit. You let everything roll off your shoulders, while my brain obsesses about it all.”
“That’s because you’re a whole lot less selfish than me.”
He rolled his eyes. “That’s not true.”
“I don’t mean I’m selfish in a bad way. You just, you care about everyone else so much, you don’t leave room to care for yourself. You have nothing to envy me for. There’s not a better person than you.”
“I mean…I know,” Griff tried to joke, but I didn’t take the bait.
“I’m serious. Do you think I’m not thankful every day that you’re my brother? I am. I know that I can be who I am, that I can stand proud and just live my life because of you. Because I know I’ll always have you.” As I said the words, it struck me that as much as I’d always gotten upset with Griff for being overprotective, I was as much to blame. I knew Griffin was always the net I could fall back into. I knew that whatever happened, he would be there. I’d never tried to move out or do my own thing, and maybe it was time I did.
“Yeah?” Griff asked.
“Yes. We’ve both been a bit dependent on each other, I think, and that’s not good for either of us.”
“No, I guess not. You know I’m proud of you, right?”
“I do.” I didn’t think I acknowledged that until today, though. “I want you to be happy.”
“I’m happy,” he replied.
Was he? On the surface he seemed to be, but what did Griff really do or what did he have except me, his bar, and Chase? Yeah, he was buddies with Knox and Law, but that was different. Had Griff ever had anyone for himself? Anyone besides—Holy shit. Chase. He’d always had Chase. Their friendship was always the most important thing to Griffin outside of me.
My chest ached. My heart broke and tumbled down into my gut. “I don’t want to take Chase away from you. That was never my intention. The fact that you guys are at odds is killing him, Griff. You gotta know that. He loves you. He’ll always love you, and you’ll always be his best friend.”
“I know,” Griff replied, but I wondered if he really did.
“Do you…are you in love with Chase?” My tongue felt swollen, like I could hardly speak. I’d asked Chase before, made sure he didn’t have feelings for Griff, but I’d never asked Griffin. What would we do if Griffin was in love with Chase? I would die if I’d hurt my brother that way.
“No, no. That’s not it.” My eyes didn’t move away from his, and he kept going, “It’s not, Kell. I don’t love Chase that way. He’s a brother to me. I see him the same way I see you, which is one of the reasons this is a little weird for me, and I just…”
“You what?”
“I don’t know that I’m really cut out to love someone that way. It’s weird. I don’t seem to feel it.”
I frowned, my thoughts beginning to build a puzzle in my head, Griffin never really dating being a huge piece of it. “Do you mean you don’t really find yourself attracted to people? Or is it that you don’t think you can feel romantic love at all?” It had never even occurred to me that Griff could be demisexual, asexual, or aromantic. I suddenly felt like I had failed him in that. I assumed he was too busy focusing on me and his bar, instead of thinking that maybe he simply didn’t feel things the way I did.