Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 84227 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 84227 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 421(@200wpm)___ 337(@250wpm)___ 281(@300wpm)
Chase stopped moving and looked at me, heavy emotion in his eyes, but I couldn’t stop. I had too much to say, and it had been locked inside me for too long. “And when I got older, it didn’t get any better. In high school I was Griffin Caine’s little brother. I was the kid Griff came back to take care of, the kid he stayed in Havenwood for. They gave me shit for needing my big brother or Chase to fight my battles for me. I’d go to the grocery store or the post office after Mom and Dad died, and all I heard was, What about poor little Kellan Caine? What’s going to happen to Griff’s future because he has to take care of his little brother? And when I graduated and you left, I told Griff he could leave too. He didn’t have to stay here anymore, but he said, What if you need me? And I get it. I know I’m impulsive. I know I get myself into stupid situations, but I’m not dumb or helpless, and I don’t need you, Griffin, or anyone else to fight my battles for me.”
“I’m sorry,” Chase replied, his voice raspy with emotion, eyes downcast, his pain evident in the way his shoulders curled in.
There wasn’t a part of me that thought Chase meant to treat me the way he did or meant to hurt me, but the fact of the matter was he did.
“Fuck, Kell. I never wanted you to think I don’t trust you or that I don’t feel like you can take care of yourself. I know how strong you are. You’re the one who had the guts to kiss me when you were only eighteen. And you’ve dealt with all this shit in town for years and you’re still unapologetically you, no matter what. Do you know how fucking brave that is? I just…I wanted to bear some of the weight. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve never cared about someone this way. I mean, yeah, like a brother the way I care about Griff, or even the way it used to be with us, but this…this is different. I don’t know how else to show what you mean to me.”
My poor, sweet Chase. God, I loved him. He had such a big heart, and he was afraid he didn’t know how to love. That was why he never got serious with anyone—I knew it. Chase didn’t think he knew how to love, but he did.
“I know it comes from the heart. I get that, but I don’t want to be your responsibility. I don’t want to be your little brother, Chase. I want…” My heart was pounding. Blood rushed through my ears, and I felt dizzy, but I had to do this. In that moment, I knew I had to. If not then, I never would, and I’d regret it for the rest of my life if I didn’t get the words out. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you since I was fourteen years old. I don’t remember what it’s like not to love you, and I don’t know how to stop.”
Chase’s eyes went wide. His pupils expanded, and fuck, he was shaking. I could see him shaking from where he stood. I didn’t know what the look I saw was—shock, yeah, but outside of that, I was lost. All I could think was that he wanted to run, that he was going to tell me he didn’t feel the same, which I knew. I’d always known.
“I don’t expect you to feel the same or say it back,” I added quickly. “Please, don’t even try, because if you say those words to me, I need to know they’re real. It would kill me to hear them, only to realize they’re not true.”
“Kell… I…”
“Don’t.” I held my hand up. “Even if by some miracle you think you might, don’t tell me unless you know. I’m asking you not to do that to me.”
He nodded, and I knew he understood. He hadn’t obeyed my wishes when it came to Buck, but he would now.
I didn’t believe Chase loved me. I wanted him to, but I didn’t think he did. I believed he cared about me. He liked sleeping with me. And likely for the first time in his life, or at least since he was very young, he heard someone say they loved him. That had to fuck with his head. It had to be confusing, and the last thing I wanted was for him to say something in that moment that he would regret.
“I don’t want to lose you,” he replied softly. “I’m sorry I went to Buck, and I swear I won’t do anything like that again. I trust you, and I believe in you, and the thought of stopping this, of walking away from you, is like someone is gnawing through my bones. Like they’re taking out my heart or my lungs. I don’t know what that is. I don’t know if that’s what you feel, but I don’t want to stop. Is it okay that I said that?”