Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 147136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 736(@200wpm)___ 589(@250wpm)___ 490(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 147136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 736(@200wpm)___ 589(@250wpm)___ 490(@300wpm)
Oh, God.
I cried with my hand to my mouth. My body was throbbing and my eyes were burning.
I wanted so badly to hold him. There was something wrong with me.
And Brian wasn’t finished.
“I fucked up,” he whispered, tears falling down his face. “I fucked up by not telling you that first night I had you in my arms. That I am sorry for. Not giving you what you deserved knowing, keeping shit from you, you finding out the way you did, for the rest of my life I’ll feel this. I deserve to feel it.” He wiped at his face. “Just tell me, Syd, tell me I’m gonna feel it with you next to me because I can’t—”
“Brian,” I cut him off, shaking my head.
He was asking something of me I couldn’t guarantee. Even after listening to his explanation and hearing all he’d just said, even with my heart still reaching for him, I couldn’t guarantee something I wasn’t sure of.
Brian closed his eyes, opened them, and then begged, “Please, Wild. Don’t leave me. It’s over. All of that shit is over—”
“It’s not over,” I interrupted him. “It’s not. Those videos are still out there. Anyone can see them. My mom. Your family. Years from now …” I paused through a sob, the reason behind my pain coming to light and Brian getting it.
He knew what I meant. I saw in the way the saddest boy on earth grew sadder, his body going still and pain sinking in his features.
I didn’t have to say it but I did. I needed him to hear this from me.
“Years from now,” I continued, still crying, “kids will search for anything on the Internet. Being curious, they could search for you, and that website will take them right to those videos, and what would you say? What could you say? They’d see their daddy with somebody else. How could you fix that?” He opened his mouth to speak but I kept going. “Or me?” I asked, breaking into tears again. “I watched three of those videos before I got sick. I saw everything you did with those women. How are you gonna fix that?”
“I will,” he promised, stepping closer.
“You can’t,” I returned, and he froze. “You can’t fix this, Brian.”
“Wild—”
“You remember what you said to me the first time you called? You said if I didn’t want to speak to you anymore, you’d disappear. You’d leave me alone.”
Brian shook his head.
“Don’t,” he urged.
“I’m asking that of you right now,” I told him, trying to sound firm and resolute in my request but finding that to be a difficult task with a voice that wouldn’t stop quaking and a heart that didn’t want me to speak. I powered through the best I could. “I’m packing my stuff and I’m going to Tori’s, and I am asking you to leave me be. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t follow me. Don’t come there. Leave me alone.”
“I can’t do that.”
“You’ll do it, or you’ll never see me again,” I promised.
Brian flinched.
He killed me. Now I was killing him.
“I need time to think,” I said, sniffing and looking around the room. “I might need a lot of time, and I need to do that without looking at you. If I want to talk to you, I’ll reach out. If I don’t …” My voice trailed off.
Sir entered the room from the kitchen carrying his rope toy in his mouth.
God …I was gonna have to leave him, too.
“I’m gonna fix this,” Brian assured me once more, turning my head. “I will fix this.”
I could’ve said something back. So many words danced on my tongue as I stood there staring at the boy who built my heart up just to break it.
You won’t.
You can’t.
I hope you do.
God, please fix this.
Instead, I left him standing there and went to the bedroom, packed all the things I could fit into one duffle bag, slung it over my shoulder, and walked to the front door.
Sir met me there.
Brian hadn’t moved from his spot.
I bent down and loved on my puppy for a minute, whispering to him and scratching underneath his neck the way he liked.
When I was finished, I turned and looked right into Brian’s eyes. Then I said good-bye.
If it was our last good-bye, I wanted it to be one worth remembering. I wanted to see him.
He didn’t say it back.
I opened the door, stepped outside onto the porch, fought back tears, and didn’t let them fall until I got back to Tori’s, back into my old bed, and wrapped in the same sheets that held me while I was falling in love with a boy.
Chapter Twenty-one
BRIAN
The front door shut behind Syd.
I heard a car starting in the driveway, another door shutting, and then the sound of my girl leaving me.
Fucking leaving me.