Total pages in book: 150
Estimated words: 147136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 736(@200wpm)___ 589(@250wpm)___ 490(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 147136 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 736(@200wpm)___ 589(@250wpm)___ 490(@300wpm)
“Why?” I asked. “Why were you doing it? I don’t understand …why would you need to do something like that?”
“Because I needed the money.”
“For what?” I yelled, moving even closer as I cried openly for him to see. “Why would you need money?”
“BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING KID!” he bellowed, his face as red as the center of a flame.
I jerked back. My hand covered my mouth.
Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
No …
“Brian,” I whispered.
He lowered his head. Fists clenched at his sides, he heaved deep breaths in and out of his nose. He looked as sick as I’d felt watching those videos.
I stood there, crying silently, and waited. I needed to hear it.
He lifted his head.
“There were bills, all right? Thousands of dollars’ worth of hospital bills and that shit was gonna keep piling up for them and I couldn’t just let that happen! I couldn’t do nothing!” he roared. His voice was thunderous. “Not after what I did. I fucked up their lives. I put them there. Me! No one else. Fucking me, Syd! And I was gonna do anything I could to ease some of that burden. Anything. I WOULD’VE DONE ANYTHING!”
I was sobbing, hand to my mouth, while Brian’s entire body shook with the bad he was finally letting go of.
The cords in his neck were bulging. His chest was heaving. Knuckles white.
He closed his eyes, made a choking sound in the back of his throat, then slowed his breath enough to continue on.
“And I did,” he said, jaw tight but appearing slightly calmer. “I did anything. Found an ad in the paper when I was doing a crossword. Gig was paying eight hundred a scene. I saw the opportunity and to me it was the only option. You gotta know …Syd, I wasn’t in a good place. In my head, all that fucking guilt, I wasn’t thinking about how fucked up this was. I wouldn’t let anyone help me. Jamie and Cole offered to give me cash but it wasn’t their fuckup. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t drag people into this shit with me. I couldn’t fuckin’ do that! This was mine! I had to fix this, but I swear to you …I swear to fuckin’ God I hated it. Zoned out, got paid, then delivered the money. I didn’t keep a fuckin’ dime. I wouldn’t do that.”
“I believe you,” I told him, because I did. I believed every word.
He made a move to come toward me, but I kept him back with a shake of my head.
“They knew you were giving them money?” I asked.
That didn’t make sense to me. I still remembered the look on the father’s face that night at Friendly’s when he recognized Brian. That wasn’t how you looked at someone you were seeing frequently because they were handing over cash.
Brian shook his head.
“No. I either stuck it in their mailbox or I gave it to this woman who runs a horse-riding place where the kid is doing therapy. It was supposed to help him so I was making sure he was getting to do that, too. I didn’t want them knowing it was coming from me. I didn’t want to risk them not taking it.”
“So you kept this from everyone except Jamie and Cole,” I offered, feeling my lip start quivering again. “Nice of them not to share it with me.”
“They knew I didn’t want anyone knowing,” he murmured.
I looked away.
That hurt. They were my friends. Friends look out for each other. They should’ve told me.
Brian should’ve told me.
I felt my shoulders drop. Air rushed out of my lungs.
“Oh, my God,” I whispered as more tears fell, looking back to Brian. “This was why, wasn’t it? This was why you didn’t want to know me. You were afraid I’d recognize you from that site.” My eyes widened. “You asked me. You asked me if I recognized you the night of the party. This was what you meant.”
“Knew you’d end it if you knew who I was,” he admitted. “I couldn’t lose you. I couldn’t risk you finding out. Figured if I gave you my last name or any other shit, you’d search for me and something might come up.”
“You were selfish,” I put out.
He nodded. He wasn’t disagreeing.
“You lied to me,” I added a beat later.
His eyes got hard.
“I never lied to you,” he returned quickly and with a rough voice. “Not once. I would never fuckin’ lie to you.”
“You didn’t tell me the truth. That’s the same thing as lying,” I shot back, watching his mouth open to speak and cutting him off before that happened. “How long? The whole time? Were you doing this behind my back the whole time you were talking to me? In the beginning when we were just friends and then when we became more, were you with those girls? Did you ever stop? Oh, my God.” I held my face with my hands and cried out, “Are you still doing it?”