Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 62543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 313(@200wpm)___ 250(@250wpm)___ 208(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 62543 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 313(@200wpm)___ 250(@250wpm)___ 208(@300wpm)
If only I’d known.
“Yes, but that’s not why she reminded me of Jay. When I left both of them, I knew they were going to their deaths.” My composure crumbles as I state the words as a fact. Because it’s so true.
I left Jay, and Marie left me. “Maybe I never deserved to help her,” I croak out. Maybe if she’d been in someone else’s care, she’d still be alive. That’s the thought that keeps me up at night. The thought that made me down an entire bottle of pills in the hopes of ending my own life.
“I’m so sorry that you lost Marie, Robin,” John says with such sympathy as he leans forward that it breaks me. “It’s not your fault,” he tells me as if it’s a truth.
“I knew and I couldn’t do anything. And when I left Jay-” My throat closes and refuses to let me take in a breath. My upper body collapses, and I hug my legs close.
Watching her walk away from me was every bit the same as when Jay turned his back on me in the field. He pushed me forward and said he’d stay behind for only a minute, but I knew it.
I knew it would be the last time.
And I still ran.
Marie never gave me the choice.
“Hush,” I hear John say at the same time as I hear the bed creak with movement. I focus on calming myself as John rests a large hand on my back and slowly moves it up and down my back in soothing strokes.
His touch makes everything seem like it really will be okay. Like it’s not my fault.
“It’s alright,” he whispers quietly into my ear. I creep closer to him, taking a chance to reach out and grab onto his other arm. And he lets me, he easily scoops me up and puts me in his lap. His arms wrap around me like they belong there, and it soothes something deep inside of me to be held by him.
“I’ve got you,” he whispers and his hot breath sends a chill from my left shoulder all the way down my body. I let out a gentle moan and desire stirs between my legs. I just want to feel something other than this.
With him.
“Could you hold me close and stay with me?” I whisper my plea. Always afraid of being denied. “Please,” I beg him when he doesn’t answer immediately.
My heart stutters and flips as John slides me off his lap and leaves me. I nearly cling to him, I almost reach up to do just that, to grip onto his shirt and beg him to give me another chance, but I know better.
I watch as he walks to the door, leaving me breathing heavily and alone as the sound of it opening and then shutting again signals he's really gone.
My body trembles as I stare at the comforter, rocking on my own and focusing on the one loose thread. When a click fills the silent room and the door slowly opens, I chance a look up.
“Jay,” I say and swallow thickly. I'm only slightly relieved when he nods at me. I close my eyes and let the wave of gratitude take over.
“Little bird,” he says and his voice is so full of pain.
“Jay, please,” I beg him, not caring how I look or how miserably I’ve failed him today. “I promise I’ll do better, but please.”
“This is for you too,” he tells me softly as he walks to the bed and stops in front of me. I sit there on my knees, looking up at him as though he’s my savior. “It’s for all of us,” he tells me, and it shatters my heart.
“Just hold me,” I beg him although my voice comes out strong.
“It’s too early to sleep.” The memories of him denying me with that excuse rush back. It was always when he’d come back shaken. That’s when he wouldn’t hold me. It wasn’t about me though; it was about him. His arms may have been the ones that wrapped around my body, but the comfort was meant for him. I can’t accept that now. Not right now. I need him too much.
“I don’t want to sleep; I just want you to hold me.” I remember what he said last night, and it makes the pain that much deeper. “Please, Jay. You can hurt me if you want, I deserve it.”
Instantly he pulls me into his chest, holding me closer and tighter than John did. Harder even. “Shh,” he tries to calm me. “You aren’t responsible.”
“You needed me,” I whisper against his chest. But I close my sore eyes and just allow him to calm me, rocking me side to side. Soothing me in a way no one else ever can.
“It was an impossible situation, Robin.” He kisses my hair again like he did last night, and it makes a warmth spread through my chest. My fingers dig into my thighs, keeping me from reaching up to him.