Total pages in book: 90
Estimated words: 89012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 445(@200wpm)___ 356(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 89012 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 445(@200wpm)___ 356(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
It’s not up to anyone to make me happy. It’s up to me. And, by the grace of God, I’m getting there. With baby steps and clarity—acceptance that shitty men like my dad and Eton do shitty things—has freed me from some of the burdens on my soul.
Those aren’t mine to carry.
What is mine to carry is the source of my life’s joy. What feeds my soul? What makes me the happiest? What makes me feel whole and beautiful and strong? I need to answer that and find someone who can share in it.
I don’t need to be single. I need to love myself and find love—true love, not just another guy willing to give me a crumb.
True love like Maddox.
“Can I tell you a story?” Becca asks.
“Sure.”
Her gaze settles off in the distance. “I grew up in Texas, and my home life was epically shitty. I needed to get away and start fresh where no one knew my name. In a series of events, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you want to look at things, I ended up in this little town of Jackson, Indiana.”
“Do you think it’s fortunate or unfortunate that you ended up there?”
“Depends on the day.”
I pick up a handful of sand and let it filter through my fingers as I wait for her to continue.
“I fell in love with that little town,” she says. “I fell in love with the beauty of it. They have a town square that’s always filled with flowers and flags for each holiday or school event. There’s a soda stand, a total throwback, called The Fountain. It has the best Cokes ever.”
A ghost of a smile is on her lips as she remembers.
“The people there are salt of the earth. Good people. They took me in, loved me, fed me, protected me. They included me, which might’ve been the most important thing of all.” She sighs. “Just having people around to care about you and check on you matters. Like you and Sara do for me now.”
“And you do for us.” I bump her shoulder with mine.
She picks up a shell and tosses it toward the water. “I fell in love in that town. Completely and desperately. He was unlike anyone I’d ever met. He was an angel, really.” Tears fill her eyes. “He had the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen on someone. The gentlest, easiest way that just put you at ease. The biggest heart.”
Her voice breaks, and her tears fall.
I’ve never seen Rebecca cry. I’ve never heard this much about her life either. Now I know why.
I wrap my arm around her. She lays her head on my shoulder and sniffles.
“Cord dated me old-school style. He took me to dinner. On picnics by the river that separates Indiana and Illinois. We’d sit on the bluff and look over the water and talk and laugh and share our lives. He held doors and had manners. He was truly one of a kind.”
“He sounds amazing, Bec.”
She takes a long breath. “We hadn’t dated long, but we started whispering about the future. Hinting at it, really. We were both so cautious, so burned by our pasts that we were afraid that a relationship would prove us to be the worst part of where we came from.”
My heart pulls for her. What has this sweet girl been through?
“He tried so hard, every day, to be the best person he could be—as if he could possibly get any better.”
She lifts her head, and I watch the rivers of tears flow down her face. When she turns to me, her eyes are filled with an agony, a pain that makes me tear up too.
“Every bit of hesitation that I had … if I could go back, Ash, I’d go all-in. I’d feel everything. Give me all of it. The joy, the happiness, the pleasure. The pain, the heartbreak. The warmth of his hugs and the sweetness of his kisses. The sound of his voice with that little twang when he would sing me George Jones songs by the bonfire.” She hiccups a sob. “I’d take a string of all the worst moments between us if I could just have him back again.”
She bursts into tears, her body shaking with the force of her pain. I hold her, crying softly and wishing I could help her.
Thunder cracks overhead, and rain starts to mist from the sky. It’s like the world is brokenhearted too.
“All I have of him are memories,” she says, struggling through her sobs. “Everything else was stolen from me. I’ll never have a chance to do any of it again, and I wonder every freaking day why I didn’t just love him like he deserved to be loved. It kills me, Ashley. It kills me.”
I hold her tighter, gently rocking her back and forth. “I’m sure he knew. I’m sure he knew how much you loved him.”