Total pages in book: 85
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82250 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 411(@200wpm)___ 329(@250wpm)___ 274(@300wpm)
He tries to stand, but I reach out and wrap a hand around his wrist to stop him. “My dad’s not really my dad.” The second the last word leaves my mouth, I want it back. What the fuck am I doing telling him this shit?
“I’m really confused right now,” he says, that crease still above his brows.
“I don’t know why I said that…why I told you. What the fuck it means right now…it’s just…” Just that I’ve always felt like I don’t fit in…like I don’t belong, even when I pretend I do. Even when everything looks perfect on the outside, my edges just never connect with others the way they should. “I guess I was kind of set to be the family fuck up from the start. My mom slept with another guy—just once. Biggest mistake of her life, she’ll tell you. She told my dad, my stepdad. He forgave her. They hoped I was his. I wasn’t. We don’t speak about that, though. We pretend I’m his, so no one talks. He pretends to love me the way he does Martin and Malcolm, but he doesn’t. She pretends to forgive me for not being his, but she doesn’t.”
“But you always call him Dad.”
“Because he’s the only dad I’ve ever known. He’s my dad even though I’m not biologically his.”
“I’m so sorry, Travis. I had no idea.” He reaches out and squeezes my shoulder.
“That’s because you’re the first person I’ve told. I don’t know why I’m telling you now.” Or maybe I do, and I just can’t admit it. Because I’m scared I won’t be what Gary wants me to be either. That I won’t fit the person he wants me to be or thinks I should be. It’s easier not to give a shit. “It is what it is, though. There’s no changing it so why stress about it?”
His frown grows deeper. “It’s okay to hurt, ya know? It’s okay to admit something or someone got to you.”
But really, it’s not. I’m tired of letting people down—not being Dad’s, being gay, not following in my dad’s footsteps like my brothers. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Just…don’t be weird around me. I’ve gotten used to having your sexy ass around, even if I can’t have a piece of it.” I wink at him, but he doesn’t take the bait. He’s not going to drop the subject.
“Are you going? To your brother’s girlfriend’s party?”
I fall against the back of the couch. Me and my big-ass mouth. “No.”
“Travis, your brothers want you there. They love you. Don’t let your parents get in the way of that!”
My anger spikes, and I shoot back up so I’m sitting forward. “Are you shitting me right now? Are you really going to give me hell about my family when you’re not even out to yours? You don’t know what in the hell you’re talking about.”
For a split second, he looks as though I hit him and then he’s shoving to his feet, his anger matching mine. “Our situations are completely different, but at least I’m not a fake the way you are! You pretend to have your shit together—confident, don’t give a fuck attitude, screw anyone who doesn’t like me the way I am, but it’s all a façade, isn’t it? At least I’m honest about my weaknesses rather than walking around with a chip on my shoulder and pretending they don’t exist.”
“Get out,” I say before clenching my jaw so tight pain shoots through it and up to my ears. Weak. Did he really just call me weak? And after what I just told him, shit I haven’t told anyone else?
“Travis…I—”
“Get. Out,” I tell him again. He pauses, then turns and walks away as I tell myself it’s better this way.
29
Gary
I need someone to talk to, and this isn’t the kind of conversation I can have with Derek. I don’t need jokes and quips. I need a voice of reason.
The first person who comes to mind is Hayden. We don’t know each other well, but he’s always been the kind of guy I felt comfortable talking to. And after the other weekend, I feel like I can reach out to him without it being weird.
When I send him a message, he replies that he’s free. I walk to his condo building, my mind jumbled with confusion from everything that just happened.
My chest is tight with discomfort, my face red with fury as I take quick, shaky breaths.
While I tell Hayden about the fight—leaving out the most personal part Travis told me—he brews some coffee and mixes some batter for cookies. Evidently, since the fundraiser, he’s been treating himself with snacks, and I feel like I could use that today.
“What right does he have to tell me I should be out to my parents?” I ask him as I get to the part of our fight that set me off. “There are plenty of guys who aren’t out to their families.”