Total pages in book: 68
Estimated words: 66259 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 331(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 66259 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 331(@200wpm)___ 265(@250wpm)___ 221(@300wpm)
“What? What?”
“Do. Not. Move.” She slowly lifts the wine and sets it on the table, but when she picks up the cheese, something must scare her, because she’s jumping on top of the bed and reaching for the headboard trying to climb her way up.
I follow suit. “What the hell is wrong?”
“M-mouse!” She points. “There’s a mouse!”
Sure enough, by the door staring at us, and most likely from one of the vineyards outside is a small field mouse looking innocent as hell, but I know facts, because of stupid Dustin.
So I whisper, “They eat their young.”
She hits me on the chest. “Why would you choose this time to tell me that?”
“They have supersonic hearing and can fit through a hole the size of a pencil.”
I get hit again. “Why do you know this?”
“Because! Dustin!” I yell. “He knows every useless fact and now I wish for once in my life he would have told me if they run at you or if they run away from you!”
“Shoo!” she yells. “Shoo!”
I roll my eyes. “Do you really think he understands English?”
“YES!” She’s starting to get hysterical, more than any adult I’ve seen in the presence of a small rodent.
I turn to her and ask slowly, “Why are you so scared of mice?”
She fidgets a bit with my shirt and mumbles her answer against my shoulder.
She’s adorable. I cup my ear. “What was that?”
“I was scared of Gus Gus! Okay?”
I’m so confused, I mean, does she mean…? “The cartoon?”
“It was his laugh, okay?”
I try, I really do, but I start howling with laughter. “This is so sad! It’s a fairy tale!”
“So is Hansel and Gretel, and a witch nearly eats them luring them with candy.”
“Uh duh, the moral of the story is don’t get into a van when someone offers you candy, it’s not free, candy is never free. Just like muscles, gotta work for them.”
“AHHH!” She jumps into my arms. “IT MOVED!”
Suddenly Dustin, runs into the room in nothing but boxers with The Office printed on them and Adrian follows with black tight briefs. One has a mop, the other a broom.
Ah, full Cinderella circle.
“What!” Dustin yells. “What is it?”
“Mouse!” Scarlett yells.
“Damn it, she’s terrified of Gus Gus!” Adrian yells.
“So your answer was to clean him?” she yells back.
“NOT NOW.” He’s clearly angry. “I’m thinking, and you know I had a mouse as a pet that died when I was very young! I have trouble killing God’s creatures.”
“Um…” Dustin looks around. “Where did God’s small creature disappear to?”
That’s strange, it had just been right by their feet, maybe they scared it away with all the yelling and cleaning. Adrian does a small turn, and so does Dustin before facing us again.
The mouse is literally so small it’s on the front of his boxers and he can’t even tell that tiny creature is officially the O in The Office. On. His. Boxers.
I’ll never watch that show the same again. Dustin ruins everything. He really does.
Scarlett’s eyes go wide but she doesn’t scare Dustin by pointing, Adrian follows her line of vision, holding his mop out like a sword. “Dustin, I need you to be very still.”
“Huh? What? Why?” His hands are up like he’s getting arrested.
“Shh, shh, shh.” Adrian moves the mop up and down like he’s getting ready to golf a ball because, well technically… two of them if he misses. “I’m just gonna scare it.”
“You’re scaring ME!” Dustin squeals as he looks between us. “Why is everyone staring at my dick? Guys, I like The Office, sue me. It’s my only solace after working in one for so long and wanting to bang my head between the doors. I shouldn’t have to look forward to donut day. That’s just sad.”
“Shhhhhhh, it’s gonna be okay,” Adrian says in a calming tone, ah the priest has arrived. “I’m just going to scare him from the front of your pants, he’ll shimmy down your leg and then we can safely escort him outside. Killian, carefully go to the sliding glass door and open it, try to maneuver it outside.”
I get off the bed and open the door wide.
“Now Dustin, walk without fear toward that door.”
Dustin starts walking, but the mouse starts to move a bit. At this rate Dustin will really only have one golf ball. He’s one bite away from the ER; I think the closest hospital is at least twenty miles away too.
“Never mind, bad idea.” Adrian shakes his head. “I’m sorry, man, I’m gonna have to hit it at a particular angle to get it to go toward the door, okay?”
Dustin glares at Adrian. “No, not okay. Never okay. I want children someday.”
“One.” Adrian ignores him and swings. “Two.” He nods in finality. “Three.”
The mop goes flying toward Dustin’s junk then magically the little parts of it pull the mouse toward me like little tentacles, it does a small turn and with Adrian’s majesty he shoves it out the door.