Total pages in book: 164
Estimated words: 152853 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 764(@200wpm)___ 611(@250wpm)___ 510(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 152853 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 764(@200wpm)___ 611(@250wpm)___ 510(@300wpm)
I’m where I belong. I’m his. I’ve always been his.
“Stay put.” He’s a little unsteady when he gets to his feet and disappears into the bathroom. I’m still catching my breath when he comes back to wash me clean.
“You know you could do that inside me,” I whisper, watching as he works carefully. “I’m still on the pill.”
“I don’t like taking chances.” He gets up to toss the cloth into the sink and then comes back, scrubbing his hands over his face before letting out a sigh. The bathroom light behind him casts his face in shadow, but I don’t need to see it when he lowers his hands. I know how he must look. “You know what I’m going to say.”
I do, and I hate how beaten he sounds now. It's like he emptied more than his balls just now. He emptied his courage, too.
I’m not going to argue with him. Not when I know he’s right. That shouldn’t have happened. It will only make what happens next harder to deal with.
“Can we just lie here together for a little while?” I scoot further back until my head touches the pillows. It’s a nice bed — soft yet firm. Honestly, it’s more comfortable than I would’ve guessed. I figured he would sleep on a wooden board or something. He’s always got to prove how strong he is, right?
“So you’re going to ignore what we both know is true?”
“Do you know what I know is true? I know there are still aftershocks going off inside me. I know I want you to hold me. I know I’m tired of talking about all the things we shouldn’t do. We already did it. Can we just… be, for a little while?”
It looks like he’s fighting with himself, only the fight doesn’t last long. With a resigned sigh, he pulls back the blankets, and I wiggle my way under them while he settles in next to me. There’s a fresh scratch on his shoulder, and I press my lips to it before resting my head on his chest.
For once, I’m the one keeping a secret. I’m the one who knows this was the last time for us. I’m the one with a heavy heart.
What would I say to him now if I could be honest? That I learned over the past several days how impossible it will be for me to live here? How much I need to be my own person? This time, it has nothing to do with Kristoff, his father, or not wanting to bring everybody down with my depression. That’s behind me now. I’ve moved on.
And that’s the thing. I want to keep moving. I need to. I can’t be under Dad’s or anybody else’s thumb anymore. Deep down inside, I know if anybody would understand, it would be the man whose heart beats under my ear.
But I can’t say it. I don’t want to ruin this. One last good thing before all hell breaks loose — and I know it will, considering I know my dad. He’ll be hurt and pissed. I just want one more night of peace.
“You should probably go back.” He doesn’t sound convinced, though. When his arms tighten, I smile to myself. Finally, a little truth. He doesn’t want me to go.
“Everybody’s in a turkey coma by now.” I love the way his chest feels under my fingers. Firm, with smooth skin covering the rippling muscle. His soft, contented sigh when I gently run my nails over his pecs makes me smile. It’s so simple, but I wonder how I’ve lived without it for so long.
“You always have to take risks, don’t you?”
“Not always.” I lift my head to look at him, and he grins. “Only when it’s worth it. ”His eyes close, even as the grin stays put, and it’s not long before his breathing slows.
How is it possible that I came over here wanting to knock his head off, and now I’m lying here in his arms? How is it possible to want somebody so badly, so profoundly, that it’s hard to think or breathe or function when I’m around him? Or when I’m away from him, for that matter.
He has completely changed me. I will never be the same. He’s like a fingerprint on my soul that can’t be wiped away. No matter how many times I wished I could — in the middle of the night when my heart aches, and I’ve cried out every last tear – I know that in the end, I wouldn’t erase him. It would mean going without this sweet, humble happiness that almost makes all the pain worth it.
I don’t want to sleep. If I sleep, I won’t get to be here with him. I won’t be aware. I won’t be able to hear him breathing. I won’t be able to feel his heart beating under my ear. I won’t get to exist in the simple comfort of lying in his arms and feeling like the whole world has fizzled away until there’s nothing but us.