Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 92043 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 460(@200wpm)___ 368(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 92043 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 460(@200wpm)___ 368(@250wpm)___ 307(@300wpm)
“You’re what? What is going on?”
Z licked his lips and met his friend’s eyes. “I think I just got my heart broken.”
Ansel’s shock was subtle. Z’d expected it so it shouldn’t have made him flinch. After all, just a few months ago he’d been preaching to both Ansel and Fitch that love was just a delusion and he was immune.
Jae came in carrying a tray he’d dug out of Z’s cupboard with six mismatched mugs full of steaming tea.
“You didn’t have enough of one flavor so if you’re particular check the label.” He set the tray on the coffee table.
“Sorry.” Z grabbed the closest mug.
Tam rubbed his knee. “Why don’t you start from the beginning?”
Z told them about Landon taking off, how he’d run into Connelly that very first day, how he’d challenged him into a kiss. He told them about their conversations and how Connelly had helped after the fight.
“So, you were dating?”
“No, dating implies you do things together, doesn’t it? We never really got the chance.” Z frowned. The first actual date-like thing they’d done was go to breakfast that morning and it had been amazing. Suddenly he wished he could go back in time just so he could actually date Connelly. Even knowing how things would end he still wanted that time, those moments, the normality of spending time with a person you enjoyed. He looked down into his mug.
“But you like him,” Ansel prompted.
Z nodded because it would hurt too much to say it aloud. “But it was a bad time, a terrible time. I was desperate—without the extra shifts at the diner and the tips from dancing I knew I’d be kicked out.” Ansel and Tam had been there, they knew. And like him, they’d probably do anything to never go back.
He set the tea down and rested his face in his hands. He couldn’t look at his friends when he admitted this next part, but it had to be said. “When Lirim told me what kind of trouble he was in, and on top of my own situation... I agreed to do porn for Castor. He paid me enough to take care of everything.” He had to swallow the lump that lodged in his throat when he remembered that night. “But I didn’t...it was...” His hands shook as he took a deep breath. “Hell.”
Tam hugged him then, harder than he ever had before. Tam understood, of course he did. His history was an episode of Law & Order: SVU for the drama and tragedy he’d gone through. If any of Z’s friends could empathize with the strange shame and guilt that had filled him after the scene, Tam could.
“It’s not your fault,” Tam whispered in his ear.
Z’s body trembled and he was sure Tam felt it, but in that moment it was like they were comforting each other. It was a blessing. Tam released him with a kiss on his cheek, wiping tears away with his thumbs. Z hadn’t even realized he was crying.
“I’ll give you the name of my therapist.”
Z shook his head. “I don’t—”
“We can go together,” Tam said and that was the end of the discussion.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Ansel scooted closer.
“I was an idiot. You know I have a hard time depending on anyone else.”
Ansel forked his long fingers through the short fringe at Z’s neck. “And this?”
“Cut it off. It reminded me too much of...” Of his mother and of the terrible scene he’d participated in. Of all the ways he’d failed.
“You should have told us.” Tam sighed.
“I know that now. If I had just opened my goddamned mouth, my friend wouldn’t be sitting in jail. And the man I...well, Connelly wouldn’t have put him there.” Z’s stomach cramped.
“He’s an asshole. Better that you forget him,” Ansel said.
“We are not responsible for someone else’s choices,” Jae said, so Zen and reasonable it got under Z’s skin.
He wasn’t ready to be reasonable yet. He didn’t want to be logical. He was already starting to regret walking away from Connelly. If he let himself look at the situation sensibly the misgivings would eat him alive.
“You don’t know anything about it, Kimchi.” Bitchy times ten, especially after how kind Jae had been since they’d met. Luckily, he didn’t seem to take offense.
“Trust me,” Hop said. He’d been so quiet since they all arrived that Z had forgotten he was in the room. “There is nothing any of you could have done to stop Lirim if he wasn’t ready to stop. My sister had a drug problem too, nothing we ever did made it better.”
“We could have at least tried,” Z said.
“You’re right, we could have tried,” Tam said.
“We still can. I’ve already called Fitch. He’s getting in touch with a lawyer for Lirim and will pick us up so we can go to the station together. A united front.”