Total pages in book: 140
Estimated words: 137433 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 687(@200wpm)___ 550(@250wpm)___ 458(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 137433 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 687(@200wpm)___ 550(@250wpm)___ 458(@300wpm)
“You have to break her heart,” Knight announces.
“I know,” I say, because I do. Because fuck, mine is already broken, but at least I know what I have to do now. Glue it back into something functioning.
“You do?” Knight leans forward, side-eyeing me. His shades slide down his nose.
“Yeah. She needs to hit rock bottom. Dixie told me.”
“Well, Dixie’s smart. But it’s not just that.” He runs his tongue along his bottom lip. “You need to do this to regain who you really are again.”
“And who am I?” I cock an eyebrow, putting the beer bottle down on the pool ledge.
“Not an asshole.”
“Am I an asshole now?” I ask, but I already know the truth.
I’ve been acting like a shithead throughout all this. If anyone told me six months ago that I’d be fingering, fucking, and sexually exploiting someone who is high on drugs I’d have laughed in their faces. And yet I did all those things. Crossed all those lines.
I tasted her pussy, knowing it wasn’t mine to taste. Kissed her lips, knowing they weren’t mine to kiss. I gave myself plenty of excuses.
Bought all of her lies and then some to convince myself that she is sober. That I had her full consent.
But I knew the truth.
And still, I lie to my brother, because owning up the truth is apparently too much for my ass right now. “If you’re referring to my hooking up with Bails while she was on drugs, she hit on me every single time.”
“She wasn’t herself, either, and you know it.” Knight shoots me a nice try look. “You didn’t have her full consent, bro.”
I bury my face in my hands and shake my head. I didn’t. And I’ll have to live with this fact for the rest of my life. “I know. It’s killing me.”
“Yo.” Knight puts a hand on my shoulder, snapping his fingers with his free hand. “That doesn’t mean that Old Bailey would’ve chosen differently, okay? Facts suck because they don’t bend to our will, but sometimes we have to face them.”
The guilt consumes me from the inside, festering on my internal organs. Bailey and I started out all wrong. Our fairytale turned into a goddamnn nightmare. And I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.
“Since when are you smart, anyway?” I lift my head, giving Knight’s shoulder a push.
“Luna makes me read books and shit.” Knight sighs. “They don’t even have pictures. Can you believe that?”
“She’s a good influence,” I say.
“The only influence I’m in, on, and otherwise don’t mind consuming.” He winks, grinning at me. “Hey.” He grabs the back of my neck, pulling me close to him. Our foreheads are touching.
He stares right into my eyes and it’s kinda creepy, but I think he wants me to pay full attention for what he is about to say next. “It gets better, bro.”
“How do you know?”
“I’ve been where Bailey is right now.”
“And?”
“What doesn’t kill you? Sometimes it revives you.”
CHAPTER 37
Bailey
The first thing I hear is the steady rhythm of the EKG machine.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Calm and comforting, it lulls me in and out of consciousness.
I’m cold. My mouth is dry. I slowly come to, realizing by the overwhelming pile of sensations returning to me that I was probably in a medically induced coma.
I know why doctors log you out and put you on blue-screen mode. I took premed before going to Juilliard. Whatever they did to me, I couldn’t have endured it consciously.
I don’t remember much. Actually…I don’t remember anything at all. But my gut is telling me bad things have happened.
This wasn’t a close brush with death. This was kissing its cold, blue lips, an inch from being swallowed by it.
I blink my eyes open, wondering how long I’ve been out for, and the first thing I see is my sister, napping on a recliner in front of me.
Behind her is a blue, generic wall. My hoodie is draped over her chest, and it looks like she’s been sniffing it for comfort.
My pupils turn to my right. Mom is sleeping in an upright position next to me. I avert my gaze to the left. It’s stark black and crickets are chirping.
I try to swallow. Fail.
How long has it been?
What the hell did I do?
The memories of Thalia and the Juilliard letter tsunami back into my mind. I block them best I can.
I’m not ready. Not yet.
Gingerly, I try to make a sound. Open my mouth and let out air. I can croak. I am grateful for this small miracle. For the simple pleasure of not losing my voice.
I close my eyes and take a greedy breath. This simple, involuntarily action fills me with hope.
I can breathe.
I can still breathe.
After everything I put my body through.
Punishing it relentlessly.
Yet I am still here.
“Bails?” Daria croaks. My eyes are closed, so I’m guessing she knows I’m awake by the tears streaming steadily down my cheeks. My hospital gown is wet and I want to wipe my face, but I’m hooked to so many machines, it hurts to move my hands.