Total pages in book: 99
Estimated words: 94639 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 94639 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 473(@200wpm)___ 379(@250wpm)___ 315(@300wpm)
Jesus effing Christ. An ultrasound. Confirm the pregnancy. Determine the due date. It’s like déjà vu.
I glance down and find I’m absently rubbing my belly. There’s a baby in there… Landon’s baby.
“Okay.” I swallow thickly.
After I change back into a gown, I’m walked to the ultrasound room where Dr. Stein is waiting. “Since we’re not sure how far along you are, we’re going to do an internal ultrasound.” She rolls a condom on the dildo looking probe, and once I’m lying across the medical bed, she spreads my thighs and inserts it slowly into me.
Since this isn’t my first rodeo, my eyes stay trained on the computer screen, waiting with bated breath to hear the familiar sound of a heartbeat. As Dr. Stein shifts the probe around, I wonder if maybe she’s wrong and I’m not pregnant. Maybe I did eat or drink something that gave them a false positive. Or maybe they switched my urine test with someone else’s.
But then a whoosh, whoosh, whoosh fills the silence, confirming what I already knew but didn’t want to admit… I’m pregnant. The exhaustion, nearly throwing up over the smells of certain foods. The way I’ve been overly emotional.
I watch the tiny little heart flutter as the doctor takes measurements and checks to make sure everything is okay. “Looks like you’re roughly five weeks pregnant,” she says. “This can change, but that’s what we’ll go with for now.” She presses a few buttons and then pulls the probe out. “Everything looks good. I will have some samples of prenatal vitamins put together for you, and once you decide which ones you would like, I can call in a prescription.”
“Thank you,” I say with a forced smile.
“We’ll give you privacy to get cleaned up and changed. Once you’re ready, you can go to the front to make your next appointment.” And then with a sad smile, she and her nurse exit, closing the door behind them.
I immediately feel bad that I’m not expressing more happiness about this. It’s not that I’m not excited to be pregnant. I love being a mom. I feel so blessed to be able to have kids, especially knowing this little miracle is Landon’s. I just hate that this wasn’t planned. I can still remember when I found out I was pregnant with Hunter. Did I love him from the moment I knew about him? Yes! But that didn’t mean I didn’t feel any less trapped. My choices were taken from me. My life as I knew it was over and everything changed. And now, here I am, years later, doing the same thing to Landon.
He was just telling me we have nothing holding us back. We can travel and see the world. Do anything we want. He even mentioned how it’s possible because my kids are older. A baby is the opposite of being free. A baby is commitment and responsibility. It’s waking up every few hours all night. Breastfeeding. Doctor’s appointments. Remembering the diapers and wipes and stroller and food just to run to the damn store.
I close my eyes and shake my head. I should’ve been more responsible. I should’ve paid better attention.
The entire drive home is one big blur. When I pull into my driveway, I grab the bag of prenatal vitamins and pamphlets the receptionist at the front desk gave me and head inside. It’s more like a welcome to pregnancy goodie bag. I haven’t really looked at it, but from what I’ve seen, it has various pamphlets with information about being pregnant, your options, and what to expect.
I throw the bag on the kitchen counter then head into my bedroom to change, thankful Richard has confirmed he’s picking up the kids from camp and keeping them until tomorrow.
As I’m changing into my pajamas, an overwhelming sense of nausea hits me and I run to the bathroom, barely making it in time to throw up in the toilet. I laugh humorlessly to myself as I flush the toilet. Of course the minute my pregnancy is confirmed my body decides to join in on the confirmation.
“Harp!” a masculine voice shouts. Landon. Shit! I forgot we agreed this morning, when he left to go to the ESPN station, to meet back here for dinner. Damn it, I can’t see him right now. I need time to think about everything. I quickly swoosh mouthwash around my mouth then spit it out.
“Hey,” he says with a soft smile, when I step into the living room. “Everything okay?” He eyes me speculatively and I wonder if somehow he knows. I don’t know how that would be possible since I’ve only just found out a little while ago, and I’m definitely not showing yet, but the way he’s raking his gaze over my body has me wondering.
While I consider how to answer him, I stay a few feet away, afraid if I get any closer, I’ll end up in his arms, telling him I’m pregnant before I have a chance to figure this whole thing out. It’s not that I’m afraid he’ll be upset or push me away. I know he wouldn’t do that. Landon is a standup man, and if I had to guess, the minute he finds out I’m pregnant, he’s going to go all in. Ask me to marry him, move us in together. Become an insta-family… but it will all be done out of obligation—the same way I did all that with Richard when I found out I was pregnant. And I can’t do that to Landon. I love him too much to trap him. I know firsthand how it feels. At first you’re high from the news of a little miracle. But then reality will set in. Late nights, early mornings. Our sex life will decline and he will grow to resent me. And I wouldn’t blame him, because even though I know he loves me, he didn’t ask for this. He trusted me to handle the birth control and I messed up.