Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 99949 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 500(@200wpm)___ 400(@250wpm)___ 333(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 99949 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 500(@200wpm)___ 400(@250wpm)___ 333(@300wpm)
I needed to find a way to calm him down.
As he turned to face me, I scanned his entire body just in case I’d missed any new cuts or injuries. There weren’t any but it didn’t matter because I knew what his problem was as soon as I saw the bulging erection nearly tenting his sweats.
I lifted my eyes to his. “The shocking sensation—”
Theo shook his head. “Um, no…” Not surprisingly, he dropped his eyes. “It’s never been like this,” he admitted.
“Do you mean you haven’t had an erection in a really long time?” I gently asked.
“Not one like this,” he whimpered. “I… I wake up with them once in a while, but a cold shower takes care of it.”
“Okay,” I said carefully. I moved slowly past him to get to the shower. “Let me just get it started—”
“No,” Theo said as he reached out and grabbed my hand. He immediately dropped it as soon as I stopped.
“No,” he repeated as he wrapped his arms around himself. “I, um, want to try something else.” He fell silent for a moment. I was glad that his tears had stopped but there was no missing the despair and helplessness he was still experiencing.
Before I could ask what he meant, Theo continued on his own. “I’ve been lying in bed thinking about earlier today. At the sanctuary. I… I got hard before we kissed. I pushed you away when our bodies were about to touch, do you remember?”
“Yeah, I remember,” I responded as evenly as I could. No way in hell did I want him to realize how much the action had stung.
Theo unwrapped his arms and began using one hand to snap the hair tie on the opposite wrist. I hadn’t even realized he’d put it back on at some point. The knowledge that he was still trying to use the snapping of the band instead of the sharp edge of a razor blade to deal with what he was feeling gave me a sense of hope.
“I felt things when we kissed… good things. But after… after I pushed you away, all I could feel was this…” Theo hesitated briefly before he suddenly raised his eyes to meet mine. “All I felt was this terrible ache inside. Like… like I’d lost something. And I was still aroused but there were no shocks.”
I remained silent because I knew he was starting to put together what I’d already begun to suspect.
“I was afraid to come to your bed tonight because that ache came back after we left the sanctuary. I thought if I shared a bed with you… do you know what I mean?” he asked.
He looked so young and vulnerable that I just wanted to take him in my arms and hold him so nothing could ever hurt him again.
I nodded. “I understand,” I acknowledged.
Theo nodded. He kept snapping at his wrist. “I’ve been lying in bed and all I can think about is you… you and me… all these images keep popping into my head and I kept getting more and more turned on. I waited for the shocks to come because it should have been just like when I watched the slides, but I didn’t feel them. All I felt… feel is that ache. Does that make sense?”
This time I was the one who had to wrap my arms around my body to keep from reaching for him. “Yes,” I practically croaked. “I feel it too. The ache. The emptiness.”
Never in a million years would I have imagined having a conversation like this in the middle of the night in a cold bathroom with the most beautiful man I’d ever known sporting a huge boner just inches from me. But God, if it wasn’t one of the best conversations I’d ever had. It gave me hope that I could get everything I wanted. I didn’t give a shit about what kind of sex life, if any, Theo and I might have; I just wanted him. The fact that he was even trying to put the pieces together of what had been done to him and whether what he was feeling now was real or all in his mind meant that maybe he wanted that same life with me.
“The emptiness,” Theo repeated softly as he nodded in agreement. It took him a moment to remember that he was trying to explain something to me.
“It got me thinking that maybe it’s like the panic attacks. I had them a lot during and after The Tower. When I had the first one, I was sure I was going to die. I think I either passed out or just got so tired that I fell asleep because I don’t really remember anything besides waking up and being able to breathe without any trouble. I eventually was able to research what they were and how to prevent or deal with them.” Theo let out an awkward laugh as he glanced at his heavily scarred right arm. “I guess I didn’t quite get the lesson.”