Total pages in book: 118
Estimated words: 106646 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 533(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 355(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 106646 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 533(@200wpm)___ 427(@250wpm)___ 355(@300wpm)
I nod miserably.
"So you've been thinking about him for a while now then. But you said the sex was bad?"
I hug my knees to my chest, tucking myself into a ball as I sit in front of the fire. The tea is forgotten, but I don't mind. I want to get all of this out of my head before I forget any of it. "Flirting with A'tam is like…the best thing ever. I've never felt so much. I've never liked anyone as much as I like him, even his silly moments. Even when he's being thick-headed. I just like being with him." I sigh. "But all that flirting and I decided we should hook up, you know? He was hinting at it for forever, being a man, and I thought it might be fun. And the kissing was great but the actual sex was…bad. Really, really bad." I've told her this before, but there are parts I haven't shared. Parts that are killing me to share, and yet if I do, I worry that…she's going to laugh at me. That she's going to use it against me if we fight. "I just…can't do it."
"He's a man," Raven says, her voice teasing. "And it's entirely possible it was his first time. Did you tell him you didn't enjoy it?"
"I thought it was pretty obvious."
"But maybe it wasn't?" Raven prompts. "They're a different people than we are. Maybe no one had 'the talk' with him. Maybe their beliefs were different. If you're not enjoying yourself, it's up to you to point that out."
I lick my lips. She makes it sound so logical. "There are…things…I can't point out."
"Like what?"
I give her a worried look. I desperately want to trust someone. God, someone. I want to talk to someone about this, to know I'm not crazy. But I keep hearing my mother's voice in my head, her sneering laughter. Her telling me how weak and pathetic I was every time I cried. It's hard for me to open up to anyone at all. I'd rather make jokes, even if they're at my own expense.
"You can tell me," Raven says in a gentle voice. She reaches a hand out and squeezes my shoulder. "I'm not going to shame you if you're into anything deviant or unusual. And I'm good at keeping secrets, remember?"
"His dick's too big," I blurt out. "And I'm too small. Downstairs."
Raven's brows furrow. "Too small? Like medically, you've been diagnosed?"
"Well, no." I feel like I'm dying inside as I'm forced to explain. Every bit of me is so tense and brittle I feel as if I'm going to snap. I white-knuckle-grip my legs to my chest. "He's about the same size as everyone else, right? I've seen several of the men naked. They're all bigger than human men, but no one else is complaining. I think I'm just…too small." I fan my face, close to panting. "Is it hot in here? I feel like it's hot."
"You're sweating. Are you okay?"
"No," I say, and my laughter sounds shrill even to my own ears. "I'm losing my damn mind, thanks for asking."
"Okay, first of all, calm down." Raven's voice is soothing. "Lie back on the floor and relax, all right? I don't like the color of your face." I do as she asks, and then she gestures in the air. "Take a deep, calming breath. In and out. Just focus on breathing right now."
I close my eyes—didn't realize how many spots were swimming in front of my vision—and take several deep breaths. I feel a little better after a few minutes pass. "Th-thank you. I think I just got all worked up."
"Sex is a big deal to a lot of people," Raven says calmly. "I'm guessing you've got some sort of hang-up in your past that's making you stress like this." When I open my mouth to speak, she just puts a hand on my shoulder again. "You don't have to tell me. I don't want to know. Just keep on breathing. Nice and slow. There you go." She smiles at me. "Look, everyone comes here with baggage, all right? Even Daisy, who acts like she's thrilled to be here, is carrying around a lifetime of baggage and emotional distress. It doesn't all have to be unloaded. If you feel better holding onto it, do that until you're ready. Lord knows I understand. But I do want to say a few things before you beat yourself up for having the world's tightest vagina."
A hysterical, ridiculous little laugh escapes me. "Okay."
"Here's the thing." Raven's voice is soothing and calm. "You know how people say it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion in the ocean? It's true. He could have the world's smallest dick, but if he knows how to get you off, it won't matter. It goes for the other side, too. If he has an abnormally enormous cock, it's his responsibility—and yes, I'm using the word ‘responsibility’—to make sure that you're wet enough and ready to take him. I mean, for fuck's sake, we have babies come out of our bodies. You think your pussy can't handle a big dick? I call bullshit on that."