Total pages in book: 88
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85167 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
For long moments, he debated with himself. Worry and self-hatred ate at him. What was he doing sitting there like a fucking stalker when he could just go across the hall to Harrison’s place?
After leaving Stage Left, he’d ridden all the way to Fort Washington Park with the wind clawing at him like angry fingers. By the time he reached solitude his cheeks stung from the biting cold and his hands were halfway to numb. The temptation to cross the bridge and leave everyone behind had pulled at him.
But not enough to make him go.
He had more time.
He might not be able to save himself, but he could apologize. He could explain.
And when the moment eventually came for him to outrun his grief, he’d know Tam would be okay. They could stay friends like he’d always managed to do with his hookups before. No strings, casual.
Except, deep down, he knew the impossibility of that dream. This time was different.
Things with Tam were tied up in knots and there was nothing casual about Driver’s feelings.
As the master of denial, he spent the entire trip back to Lenox Hill convincing himself how things would be—how they could be—if he was clever enough. He never truly believed his own lies.
Still didn’t, apparently. At least if he interpreted that dream logically.
The cold desolation of that road had seeped into his bones.
He scooted to the left where a strange warmth blanketed his side.
His gaze caught on a pair of rainbow glitter heels. His breath caught and he whipped his head around. Tam. As soon as their eyes locked, Driver expelled a single breath. It was comprised of all the angst and pain and relief that overwhelmed him. All the things he couldn’t voice because there were no words for them.
God, Tam looked more like a work of magic than he ever had before. Even stoic and calm, there was an otherworldly spark in his eyes. Driver held on to that as he pushed himself to his knees.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He poured every ounce of sincerity he could muster into his apology. He was sorry for so much, mostly for not being the man Tam needed him to be. Someone steady and dependable. Someone who could be counted on in tough situations. Someone who wasn’t running from his own dark past.
Tam’s deep inhale seemed as if he were gathering strength, like a superhero building his defenses and readying for an attack. Driver clenched automatically. But he wouldn’t defend himself, whatever happened, whatever punishment Tam felt necessary. Driver deserved double. But Tam didn’t speak. He rose to his feet and reached out his hand.
Driver studied it, long elegant fingers and nails neatly trimmed. There were scars, too many scars, and each one tore at Driver’s gut. Tam had lived such a hard life, he didn’t deserve more pain. And what else was Driver able to offer?
He was still going to take off.
But even knowing that, Driver couldn’t stop himself from slipping his own calloused hand into Tam’s. First contact was a shock straight to his heart. Then, everything eased. Tam’s touch was the balm he hadn’t even known he sought. Driver swallowed as he stood and followed Tam into his apartment.
They kept the lights off. Even in the bedroom only the streetlights filtering through the dusty windows illuminated them. But Driver didn’t need light to know how strongly Tam glowed or to know each crease and freckle on his face. They faced each other, doing their best to see in the dark what the light hid from sight. Driver hoped Tam could see it, that it reached out to him and wrapped him up and held him close and kept him safe. But he didn’t ask. Speaking now might break the spell, and he couldn’t bring himself to shatter the stillness just yet. They stood so close their breath mingled, but neither of them moved.
Driver was busy trying to memorize the moment so he might hold on to it during the long nights alone. Tam? Well, Driver wasn’t sure what kept him quiet. He wished he did though. Not knowing was turning the tranquility into torment.
Maybe that was the point.
Maybe that was his punishment. To never know what Tam was thinking. To never understand.
Then, as if he’d finally come to a decision, Tam closed the distance between them and rested his forehead against Driver’s chest. That was all. Just a small, innocent gesture, but it meant everything. It meant acceptance. It meant Driver wasn’t alone.
The dam inside him broke. He cupped Tam’s cheek, careful not to hold him too tightly, and kissed him. Because he needed to, it was as necessary as oxygen. And Tam kissed him back, softly and slowly, like they had time.
All the time in the world.
The urgency that usually thundered in Driver’s veins disappeared. He relaxed and let Tam take the lead. With his surrender, his awareness grew. The fullness of Tam’s lips became mesmerizing, the gentle swipe and retreat of his tongue became addicting, and every shared breath became essential.