Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 98418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 98418 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 492(@200wpm)___ 394(@250wpm)___ 328(@300wpm)
"I did because it means no-one gets hurt, but things are starting to spiral out of control. I'm doing us both a favour and ending things before either of us gets hurt. Theo we're done. Just have some dignity and let it go." I say coldly. Why is he making this so hard. Part of me wants desperately to give in to him, the other part knows that this is an inevitable outcome, the longer it goes on the harder it will become.
“It’s too late for that.” His tone softens and his voice sounds tortured. "Lilly...I...I need you. I've never felt about anyone the way I feel about you." He looks almost ashamed of this revelation.
I draw in a ragged breath. "Theo..."
"Look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing for me, that I was nothing but a fuck to you." He growls.
I close my eyes and shake my head. "I...I can't." I whisper. “But I can’t be with you either.”
He takes a couple of steps toward me. "I know you're scared Lilly, and I'm scared too...I mean shit, I've spent the past two weeks wanting to hate you, just so I could be over you." He frowns. "Hating what I’ve become because of you, but the truth is; you made me feel Lilly. I would take feeling the pain, because you made me feel something I didn't even realise I needed until I met you." My chest rips apart at his words. Shit, he's good.
"I can't trust you not to hurt me Theo." I whisper.
"You think I’m un-trustworthy because of my past, but that's exactly what it is Lilly, the past. I am not defined by my past.” I can’t argue with that. “Give me a chance and I’ll earn your trust. Please." My resolve wavers slightly. "I'll do anything you need."
"You don't even know me Theo, we've always been all about the sex, how can you…?" I start.
"I know enough to know how I feel, and I want to know more. I’ll prove we’re more than sex. Give me two weeks, two weeks without sex. If at the end of those two weeks you still feel the same then I’ll let you go without a word." His eyes are pleading, begging me to say yes.
"How will I know you're not just getting it elsewhere?" A glimmer of hope starts to blossom. I want so badly to believe that I’m the only one he wants, but I refuse to be that naive. There’s still that part of me, the lost little girl hidden behind the cool exterior, who just wants to be loved. Then there’s the woman I’ve had to become, because that lost little girl was weak and the world broke her. The strong woman says he’s a risk I can’t take. The little girl says risk it all because he loves you and perhaps you might love him too.
He sighs. "If only I could." He murmurs. "Live with me for the two weeks. You can have the spare room." His face is so hopeful.
"Theo, before you do this, there's something you should know." I sigh as I fix my gaze on the floor. This conversation is something I hoped I would never have to have with him.
"Okay." He touches my cheek and I relish his touch. As much as I hate to admit it I've missed him.
"I…" Fuck, what to tell him. "I have a really bad past." Well that’s one way of putting it. I close my eyes as my chest tightens. "I just want you to know that I have issues, and I can't promise that I will ever be able to truly feel for you in the same way you might for me. Not because I don't want to, but because...I'm broken." I whisper the words, knowing that they must be difficult for him to hear.
"A difficult past as in a boyfriend?" He asks quietly.
I shake my head. "I wish it was, but no. I… I’m sorry, but I can't talk about it." I feel my eyes start to prickle with moisture and bite the inside of my cheek to keep them from welling up. I don’t cry, ever.
He wraps his arms around me and crushes me to his chest. "It's okay Lilly. I don't care. I'll take whatever I can of you. I don't think you’re broken." God, he has no idea what hearing him say that means to me.
“I can’t do a relationship Theo, it’s too much. I just… I can’t do it.” I say against his chest. I can’t explain to him the fear and sheer panic at the idea of placing so much trust and faith in one person. Giving one person so much power over you is terrifying. I just cannot do it.
“That’s okay. I told you I’ll take whatever I can get. I don’t need labels.”