Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 83394 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 417(@200wpm)___ 334(@250wpm)___ 278(@300wpm)
She looked at me with a sad smile as I plopped down on the couch. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, Joey. Nothing.”
“I’m scared.”
“What are you afraid of? Do you know?” Her voice was so kind, so understanding. I didn’t know how I ever got by without talking to her.
“Of losing him, which doesn’t make sense. He’s asking me to make more of a commitment, so why would I feel that way? But I guess…” I paused, and she waited, didn’t interrupt or rush me as I worked through it all in my head. “I guess I’m afraid there’s something still broken with us, something we didn’t fix. We’ve been pretending everything is okay and that we’re moving forward, but I know that at some point, that truth, all those things we ignored, are going to come back to haunt us. If I expect it, things will hurt less when it happens. If I keep my own space, my independence, then it won’t be like it was last time when I lost him. I won’t be so lost…so broken. I won’t lose myself.”
“Everything you said makes sense. I can definitely understand feeling that way, and it has to be difficult for you, loving him and wanting a life with him while at the same time living with that fear of moving forward. It’s really important that you understand your feelings are absolutely valid. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the emotions you do.”
I nodded, unable to reply.
“Have you told Gage these things? What your worries are?”
“No.”
“I think you should. You’ll probably be surprised how much he understands. We’re human, Joey. It’s natural to want to protect ourselves. To have fear and worry. And from everything you tell me, Gage loves you. He cares about your well-being. He’ll want what’s best for you, but right now, he might be scared and confused because he doesn’t know exactly what’s going on.”
She was right. I knew that. I knew Gage.
“Have you worked through your past?”
I frowned. “I thought that’s what I was doing here.”
Rose chuckled. “Well, yes, but I mean, have you dealt with your dad? With the things he did and said to you? Outside of talking to me about it. Have you told him how you feel? What he took from you?”
“He’s dead.”
“So? It’s not about him hearing you, it’s about you saying it. It’s about you putting to rest those things that have plagued you for so long. We can work on that here. You can talk to your dad, to the people in your hometown, whoever you need. Sometimes that helps us move forward—just saying the words aloud, the ones you need to say to Gage, the ones you need to say to your father.”
The thought made chills run down my spine. I pulled my legs up, feet on the couch, arms wrapped around my legs. Fear nearly strangled me. I was scared. How could I be scared of someone who was dead? Someone who was supposed to love me, but had hurt me. Had made me feel bad about myself. Had made me feel weak. Had made me feel unworthy. Who maybe still did. “I don’t know if I can. How stupid is that?” I shoved to my feet. “He’s fucking dead! How am I still afraid of him?”
“There’s nothing stupid about feelings. They’re the most real, honest thing we have. Even if the reality of them isn’t true, the emotion of it and what that emotion does to us is very real.”
I ran my hands through my hair. Sat back down on the couch.
“It’s not something you need to do today, but we can think on it for another week. In the meantime, I do think you should talk to Gage.”
I needed to talk to Gage.
But as I sat there, staring through the window in her office, I was filled with something else—anger. Fury. Determination.
I was going to do this. I was going to burn my whole motherfucking past to the ground for good.
CHAPTER FIFTY-ONE
Gage
I was losing my shit. I’d been having nightmares every night. I only woke Joey up the once, thank God. Listening to my audiobooks didn’t help, gardening didn’t help, nothing did, and I was afraid, so afraid I was going to lose it all and it would be my fault.
But instead of closing down, instead of letting myself drown, I called Micah’s office. I’d never scheduled an extra appointment or gone in any more than I had to, but if I was going to do this, if I was going to be healthy, if I was going to be strong for Jojo—strong for me—these were the decisions I had to make. I was lost and hurting, and I needed help.
“Hey, Gage. How’s it going?” Micah asked when I arrived for my appointment.