Total pages in book: 67
Estimated words: 63195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 316(@200wpm)___ 253(@250wpm)___ 211(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 63195 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 316(@200wpm)___ 253(@250wpm)___ 211(@300wpm)
“Maybe I should just be alone.” My eyes burn with more tears as I shake my head again and say, “No, I need to. I need to be alone. I’m sorry,” my voice fails me as I whisper the apology. I hate hurting him; I can’t stand the pain in his eyes and expression. He doesn’t try to hide it in the least, and it shreds me.
But we’re just not meant for each other, not with the lives we’re leading.
“I love you.”
“Love isn’t enough!” I yell and hate myself. I truly do. “It’s not enough anymore,” I say, steadying my voice although it’s still low. I cross my arms and try to keep myself together, I try to hold my body upright although it begs me to collapse.
“Is that what you want?”
“I want a divorce,” I say the lie in a single breath. The words all come out at once, bunched together and needing to be said, to be heard. To be felt to the very core of who Evan is.
My fingertips dig into my forearms as I slowly raise my eyes to his and the conviction wavers.
He doesn’t speak, although his lips part once and then again. He licks them as his brow furrows and he visibly swallows then looks past me at the empty wall. Again he starts to say something but stops, clasping and unclasping his hands and trying to find some way to tell me what he’s thinking.
The worst part is that I want him to say something. I need him to give me something to hold on to him.
I’d go mad waiting to hear him tell me he’ll make this right. For him I’d fall again, I know I would. There isn’t enough strength in my body to keep me from Evan.
But he doesn’t say a word; he never does when I need him to.
It takes a long moment. Each second my heart beats, the steady sound is all I can hear. And then he turns his back to me and walks away without saying another word.
My body is freezing as I slowly turn from the hall and head toward our door. I can’t breathe, but somehow I am. I can’t manage a thought, but my mind is whirling with the image of what just happened.
The way he spoke my name like he needed me. The way his voice was laced with desperation and his eyes shined with determination, but then failure. The way his expression crumbled when he realized he lost me.
I don’t stop walking until I get back to our bedroom, barely glancing at the unmade bed and remembering the last time we shared it and everything about that night. I can still feel his lips on my neck, his hands traveling ever so slowly down my body as he whispered how much he loves me. And I believe the sentiment. No one has ever loved me like Evan, and no one else ever will.
It’s just not enough.
For me, I’d go back to him. I’d let him do what he wanted and I’d pay the price. I head into the bathroom.
I pick up the small plastic stick still hanging off the edge of the sink.
My head’s been a mess the past month. I didn’t realize I’d missed one period, let alone two.
It’s the brightest set of pink lines. I may not be the best friend I can be, or the best wife for that matter. But for my child, I’ll be the best mother I can be and that starts with saying no to the life I once lived and had with Evan.
My hand splays on my lower belly as I lean my back against the edge of the sink. I have to tell him and I will, but not yet. I need to stop loving him first. I need to move on and focus on what I can change and make better for what’s to come.
It’s not just me who deserves that anymore.
Evan
I promise to love you forever. And that’s the easy part.
To honor and cherish you.
To keep your wishes and dreams my own.
To comfort you and keep you safe, always.
Till death do us part.
My wedding vows haunt me. The parts of them I can remember, at least. I can’t stop seeing the look of complete devotion on Kat’s face on our wedding day, as I read my vows from the scrap of paper where I’d written them.
My heart raced as I spoke each word, my gaze straying from the paper to look back at her. She was so beautiful, with a love that I knew I didn’t deserve.
I can still remember the feel of her soft skin as I cupped her cheek in my hand. I can still smell the sweet fragrance that drifted toward me as I leaned closer to her, all of our friends and family clapping and cheering as I took my first kiss from my wife.