Total pages in book: 65
Estimated words: 60965 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 305(@200wpm)___ 244(@250wpm)___ 203(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 60965 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 305(@200wpm)___ 244(@250wpm)___ 203(@300wpm)
“Whose? Whose life?” Jules brings her hand back toward herself, retreating slightly but I reach out to grab it. I bring her fingers to my lips and slowly kiss each knuckle. She doesn’t look at me while I do, but when I set her hand back down, she leaves it there.
I don’t know what to make of her in this moment. Maybe she’s numb, but she’s receptive. She’s lost her fight to deny it all.
“Her name was Avery.”
Jules shifts uncomfortably as she says the words before I can. “She was his mistress?”
I nod my head as I say, “I knew her as well.” It’s the gentlest way I can put it.
“You knew her?” Jules asks in a tight voice. It’s the loudest she’s spoken for this conversation.
“I did,” I answer honestly. “Obviously it was before we met. Before I knew you.”
She nods her head into my chest and whispers, “Why?”
“Why did he want to kill her?”
My question forces her expression to fall even farther, but she nods.
“She was pregnant,” I tell her and that’s the last straw for Jules’s composure. I hold her close as she tries to turn away. I kiss her shoulder as she hunches over and tries to hide her face from me.
“It’s okay,” I whisper into the tense air between us. The hurt and betrayal are echoed in her ragged breaths. I can only imagine how much it shredded her to hear the words, because it killed me to say them to her.
She pushes her hands against my chest slightly, and I let her go for a moment.
Sitting up as if searching for more air, she pushes the thick sheet off of her and pulls her long brunette hair over her shoulder as she scoots up the bed and readjusts herself to lean against the headboard. All the while I can see her reining in the emotions, hiding it all and shoving it down. But she’s swallowed the truth of it all: her husband wanted his mistress dead because she was pregnant. It will stay with her forever.
“Was the baby…” she starts to ask in a choked voice as she lies back next to me and instantly places her head on my chest. “Whose was it?” she asks.
My heart clenches in my chest, hating that I have to answer her and knowing it’s going to torture her. “His,” I finally answer.
She nods once, letting me know she acknowledges what I’ve just told her, but she’s silent. A long time passes with neither of us saying anything. My fingers trail up and down her arm, moving to the dip in her waist and back up her body again. Her breathing becomes steadier, deeper and so does mine. Slowly, she gets comfortable alongside me again, resting down in bed, but neither of us sleeping.
“Did you love her?” she asks just as my eyelids feel so heavy I could fall asleep, her fingers gripping onto my shirt but still she doesn’t look at me.
“No. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you,” I tell her and then realize she may not believe me. It’s true, though. I’d never planned on spending my life with someone. I didn’t think it possible for someone who carries the demons that drag me down. But now I can’t see my life without Jules in it. She’s a bright light to my darkness. The only hope I’ve ever had is in her hands.
Again, she acknowledges me with only a small nod.
“Can you forgive me?” I ask her quietly, almost too afraid of her answer to even utter the word forgiveness.
Time passes and I think she may have fallen asleep, but then her shoulders shake with a small sob.
“No,” she says and my chest sinks from her admission but also from the raw pain in her voice. “You didn’t have to murder him.” She adds, nearly choking on her words, “But I believe you.” She sniffles once and it’s then I feel her tears soaking into my shirt. She brushes her cheek against my shirt and settles back down against me.
She believes me, and that’s a start.
She needs me, and she’s clinging to me because she has nowhere else to go.
At least I can hold her for a little while, but even with her so close to me, even with this progress, I feel farther away from her than I’ve ever been.
Jules
It’s absurd to move through life,
When there’s nothing left inside.
When you’re hollow and unfeeling,
When all you know has died.
Numb to touch, numb to move,
And silent with no voice.
But strength comes in the darkest times,
When you no longer have a choice.
Fraud. I keep hearing the word over and over in my head. There’s no way I can do this. No way I can stand in front of a room full of people, this hollow shell of a woman, and smile as if nothing has changed. There’s no way I can laugh and play along with the façade of a happy couple deeply in love.