Total pages in book: 115
Estimated words: 112903 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 565(@200wpm)___ 452(@250wpm)___ 376(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 112903 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 565(@200wpm)___ 452(@250wpm)___ 376(@300wpm)
Sawyer is quiet for a long beat. “You know, you’re not gonna let Mom and Dad down by choosing a path that’s different from theirs. You don’t owe them anything, Wy.”
My eyes burn. I’ve always felt like I have no choice in the matter—that I have to stay in Hartsville because I owe it to my family’s legacy.
What if I did have a choice, though?
Why is Sawyer always fucking right? I’ve never hated him more than I do right now.
“Don’t we though? They worked their fingers to the bone to make sure we had a place in this life. It was in their goddamn will—they passed the ranch to us. We have a responsibility—”
“To be happy.” Sawyer’s eyes gleam in the lights outside the bar. “That’s it. That’s all they wanted for us. As a parent, I can tell you that’s all anyone wants for their children—for them to be happy. To be who they are and do what they want.”
My fingers sting. I look down to see my cigarette is burned almost to the filter. I take one last drag before putting it out in the ashtray on top of the nearby garbage can. These ashtrays are everywhere in Hartsville, leftover relics from the era of the Marlboro Man. Back then, every cowboy in these parts smoked morning, noon, and night, and no one lived past sixty.
I gotta quit.
“I want to be a cowboy.” I shove my hands into my pockets. “But I also want Sally.”
“See how simple that is?”
“But it’s not. Not by a long shot.”
“It can be. Why not tell her how you feel?”
Looking down, I kick at the gravel. The chain around my neck jostles as I move. I’m gripped by the crazy idea that it’s Mom’s way of wringing my neck from the grave.
Your brother is right. Tell her. She might not stay, but that doesn’t mean you can’t leave with her.
“She asked me to help her pick up guys,” I blurt. “Wants me to show her how to have fun by pretending to be her fake date. Says it’ll give her some much-needed confidence.”
Another pause.
“Surely, you asked her to date you for real instead because the thought of her being with anyone else kills you? Because you’re not afraid of your feelings and you’ve learned from Cash and Mollie that putting yourself out there is worth the risk? But really, because pretending to date someone is the dumbest shit ever?”
“Like I don’t know that.”
“I’m serious.”
“I know how stupid that sounds, Sawyer, trust me. But I guess…” I squint up at the sky. I’m scared that losing someone again will do me in. “I was in such a dark place for so long after Mom and Dad died. I hid it well—”
“But I knew.” Sawyer swallows. “We all did.”
“So, yeah, needless to say, I lost my nerve today with Sally. I don’t want to go back there. To the darkness. If things don’t work out, or she leaves…”
Sawyer peers at me. “Isn’t your nickname for her ‘Sunshine’?”
I scoff. “Ha. Hadn’t thought of that.”
“Move toward the light, brother. That’s all I’m sayin’.”
I cut him a look.
“Oh, you got it bad, boy,” he says with a smile. “Lord save us.”
“I’m beyond saving at this point, I think.”
“Stop that shit. You actually cornered yourself into a nice opportunity here, Wy. Obviously, you can’t let Sally get it on with randos. But you can encourage her to get it on with you.”
“Because that won’t fuck up our friendship or anything.”
“That ship sailed years ago. You don’t wanna ‘be friends’”—he uses air quotes—“with Sally. You’re worried you’ll lose her if you tell her how you feel, but what do you think is gonna happen anyway if you don’t say anything and she goes back to New York? She’s gonna meet someone. Y’all will still be friends, but you ain’t gonna see her but once or twice a year when she comes back to visit her parents. And don’t think that guy of hers will like you calling or texting her the way you do now. Either way, Wy, you risk losing your friendship, and that will definitely send you back into the darkness. But if you’re honest with her, then you have the chance to be with her how you really wanna be with her.”
“I fucking detest you, you know that?”
Sawyer just smiles. “It’s annoying when someone’s right all the time, isn’t it? All I’m saying is, you wanna be a good friend to Sally? Give her what she’s looking for. You. Not some drunk guy at a bar. Not some asshole from New York.” He claps a hand on my shoulder. “I know you think you can’t be good to her. But you can. You’ve got a big heart, brother. Share that motherfucker with someone already.”
I wipe my eyes, wincing at the way the acrid smell of the cigarette lingers on my fingers. Sawyer has a point. I just wish I knew how to share my heart. How to open up, despite the very real possibility that I’ll get destroyed in the process.