Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 85183 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85183 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
I feel his hand skim over the inside of my thigh, and I flinch. I take a shaky breath and the familiar smell of cigarettes and whisky washes over me, but it's not enough to pull me from the fear gripping me. His hand freezes on my thigh. Sighing, he pulls his hand away from me abruptly.
He shakes his head, a broken expression covering his features. "Tor... I can't."
Of course he can't. Who would want this? No one, especially not Jude. I can't move quickly enough. I jump off the bed and head for the door, but he catches my hand, stopping me. Tears track freely down my cheeks, and I wish I could just become invisible.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, his voice straining.
"It's fine, Jude. You don't have to apologise," I choke out. It's not his fault. I shouldn't have pushed him. The rejection I'm experiencing right now is my own doing. I should have known he wouldn't want this. I wrap my arms around my waist, wishing I could just shield myself from his vision.
He just sits there, staring at the wall, and then he rakes his hand through his hair. He glances over at me. "This isn't going to help you. I don't know what to do here, Tor."
"You can't help me. No one can," I whisper.
Is this it? Has Joe really broken me beyond repair? Am I destined to feel like this for the rest of my life? This isn't a life. This truly is hell. This is why Joe wouldn't let me die. He wanted me to suffer like this. I clench my fist until my nails bite into my skin. I want to feel the pain, though; I like it. Jude takes a hold of my hand, unfolding my fingers. I look up into his eyes. "I can't do this," I tell him honestly.
"It's fine."
I shake my head. "No. I can't do any of this. He's in my head, Jude. I think about it all the time." My voice hitches. "Every time I close my eyes, he's waiting, and the worst part about it... this is exactly what he wanted." Tears run down my face. "I begged him to kill me! Begged him! And he wouldn't."
"I'm not gonna let him do this to you. He will not ruin you!"
My poor, hopeful Jude.
"He already has," I whisper sadly. "You see it, even if you won't admit it. This..." I gesture the length of my body. "... is damaged, and this..." I tap my temple. "... is irreparable."
Jude takes each side of my face in his large hands and stares into my eyes with an intensity that threatens to bring me to my knees. He slowly shakes his head. "I won't let you be damaged. To me, you are every-fucking-thing in this goddamn world." He kisses me hard. "I fucking love you, Tor," he mumbles against my lips, his fingers working their way into my hair. "Fuck, I love you." He kisses me harder, deeper. "Do you fucking hear me? I need you. I want you. I love you."
I cry deep, desperate sobs. I cry until my knees buckle, and Jude catches me, scooping me up and carrying me back to the bed. He just sits, cradling me in his lap whilst I cry all over him. I cry for everything that we have lost, and for everything that I now cannot give him. I feel as though I owe it to him to try, because if I don't, Joe wins, and this was all for nothing.
"Tell me again," I breathe, tracing my fingers over his stubbled jaw.
His lips are beside my ear, and he sweeps my hair from my neck. He tenderly kisses below my earlobe, then whispers. "I love you." His lips move lower to my collarbone. "I fucking love you."
I lift my gaze to meet his, and his green eyes seem to penetrate my very soul.
"Only you. I only love you." His hands trail down my back.
My heart clenches hard. There's a moment of silence as we stare at each other, that familiar pull simmering between us. I allow myself just to feel it, to feel what I thought Joe had taken from me, but I now realise he can't take my love for Jude. He is all I have, and I am all he has. What we are hasn't changed, he's still my beautiful tragedy, my knight in bloodied armour.
I stroke my fingers over the rough stubble of his jaw before I slam my lips over his. He winds his fingers into my hair, pulling me closer, until all I can feel, all I can see is him. He grabs my waist and lifts me, laying me back on the bed. He slides easily between my thighs, hovering over me.
His cock rubs against me through his jeans. "I fucking want you, Tor," he growls.