Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 85183 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 85183 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 426(@200wpm)___ 341(@250wpm)___ 284(@300wpm)
How can Jude understand though? How can he possibly know what it is to live like this? No one can unless they've experienced it. No one can know the depths of my despair, the bottomless pit of self-hatred I reside in. Caleb was the only one who may have been able to help me.
Jude won't understand, but honestly, I'm past caring. I'm selfish.
I lay there for a long time. It might be minutes or hours. I don't know. Movement from my left catches my eyes, and I turn my gaze toward a shadowed figure stepping out from behind the tree. I sit up and move my hand behind my back, and my fingers curl around the gun I have tucked into the waist of my shorts.
"Hell, I was just checking on you. You ain't gotta shoot me, darlin'."
I release the breath I've been holding as Marney's stout figure comes into view. His cigarette glows in the darkness, a slow cloud of smoke floating around him. I release my grip on the gun and climb to my feet wordlessly.
Before I can walk away from him, he speaks. "So, I take it Jude doesn't know you're knocked up, huh?"
I drop my gaze to the ground, remaining silent. Shit.
He takes a drag from his cigarette and exhales slowly. "Hmmm." He takes another long puff. "Is it Jude's?"
I hear what he doesn't say. Is it Joe's? If it were, I would have cut it out myself. I nod as I swallow around the lump in my throat. I know he has to ask, but just the thought makes me want to throw up.
"I don't want him to know," I say through gritted teeth.
Marney kicks at the ground, his eyes set in front of him. “He'll figure it out when you start to look like you swallowed a damn watermelon, you know that, right?"
He'll find Joe before then. This will be over before then. One way or the other. "I know," I rasp.
He walks over to me and places his arm around me. "You've been through a lot. Why don't we just get you back inside? You need to rest..." he leans down, bringing his face level to mine and his eyes soften, "... and eat."
"Please don't tell him," I beg. It will only make it worse.
He narrows his eyes and inhales sharply. "I ain't gonna tell him. You need to be the one to do that."
I nod, glancing at Caleb's grave one more time. The constant ache in my chest intensifies, and I wonder whether it will ever go away. I turn and head back to the house. Marney's heavy footfalls sound behind me.
I open the front door and go straight upstairs, keen to escape his scrutiny. I can practically feel his eyes burning a hole in my back.
When I open the door to Jude's room, I find him sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He looks up, his eyes darting over my body. I glance down and spot the grass stains on my shorts. His eyes land on them, and he takes a breath.
"He didn't even fucking tell me he was going. I left him here, and all I was worried about was finding you..." His eyes meet mine and his face crumples.
Caleb came after me, because I left, despite him begging me not to go. He came after me, and then I watched as Joe put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger because he wouldn't rape me. He died because Joe was punishing me, because I wanted him to kill me. He died because he always did what was right. I bite my lip as I try to beat back the wave of pain and guilt washing over me.
Jude hangs his head and inhales deeply. "I brought him into this shit."
There is nothing I can say because ultimately, nothing can bring Caleb back. He's gone, and no words will make that any better.
I lay awake, unable to sleep, too afraid of what awaits me to close my eyes. Early morning light drifts around the edges of the heavy curtains, and I listen to the bird call, allowing my mind to drift in their happiness. The gentle sounds mix with Jude's heavy breaths behind me. His arms are wrapped around me so tightly; I can barely breathe. I don't fight him though. I allow him to hold me because he needs it, and honestly, there are times when I feel like his arms might be all that is holding me together.
Since he saved me, Jude and I have barely spoken. I don't think he knows what to say to me, or is even capable of saying anything. Caleb's death has hit him hard, and it scares me to see him so down and out. This is Jude, unbreakable, 'destroy anyone in his path', Jude.