Total pages in book: 235
Estimated words: 224334 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1122(@200wpm)___ 897(@250wpm)___ 748(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 224334 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1122(@200wpm)___ 897(@250wpm)___ 748(@300wpm)
“With my life.” Again, no hesitation. No question.
“Have you ever been handcuffed, Ava?” I ask, taking her arms and pulling them back, putting the cuffs around her wrists. She fights the restraints on a gasp. “Keep your arms still.” I lower her hands to her arse, my eyes on her shoulders. Apart from the face, it’s the most telling place on a human. Many emotions that could be displayed on a face can be revealed through the movement of shoulders. Raised when in protective mode. Rolling back when preparing, bracing. Hunched in when stressed or shocked. Shaky when scared.
Ava’s are low. Relaxed.
Accepting.
“Good girl,” I breathe into her ear, feeling through her hair for the pins holding it up, smiling at the memory it spikes. Our first night together feels like years ago. And at the same time, so powerful, so perfect, the feelings are as strong now as they were then. I discard the grips and let the strands slip through my fingers, thinking Ava never will. Not now.
Love.
And, God, do I love this woman. I count all the ways I do as I draw a perfect line down her perfect back onto her perfect arse, hooking an arm underneath her and pushing her front to the bed. “Down you go,” I whisper, taking a moment to appreciate her position. Bare. Inviting. “Do you realize how fucking amazing you look like this?” Totally fucking amazing. “I’m not going to take your arse.” I smile at that memory too, pushing my groin forward, drinking in air when the tip of my dick nudges at her opening. I kiss her back. Smell her skin. Where has this feeling been? This all-consuming, mind-blanking, gut-wrenching contentment. I feel both hard done by and equally thankful. Because I could have gone a lifetime without this. I could have remained stagnant, lost, unfulfilled. But the fates chose otherwise. It must be a sign. It must mean something, because nothing in this world could be cruel enough to give me her, give me this feeling, only to take it all away.
But with that thought comes many unwelcome thoughts. The universe gave me Jacob. And it took him away. The universe gave me Carmichael. And took him away. It gave me Rosie. And it took her away.
I swallow, pushing my face into my shoulder.
No.
Not again.
Surely I’m deemed worthy of redemption. Surely I deserve this . . . this . . . this happiness. Surely, they can’t take another person I love away.
The only reason I’ll lose her is because of me. My wrongs. My fuckups.
My grasp of Ava naturally tightens, holding her, keeping her, refusing to allow her to be taken. She flinches, uncomfortable. “Don’t move,” I warn, fighting away the pollution invading my mind in this moment.
Focus.
I take a few needed breaths and ease into her slowly, just a little, readying both of us, so fucking furious with the world. With myself. “You want it all the way?” I ask, teeth clenched.
“Yes,” she gasps.
God, woman, if you only knew of the demons I’m hiding from you. Would she run? Would she stay? The fact I can’t answer that with any certainty infuriates me. I look up at the ceiling, begging for mercy as I retreat, slipping out of her. Her internal muscles are in overdrive, fighting to draw me back in, but I fight her with all I have, keeping her on the cusp of penetration. Keeping her on the edge of pleasure.
Increasing her desperation. Increasing her need.
But then she jerks back, sending me deep, and I gulp, blink, and my hand shoots out, thrashing her arse in warning. I need to do this at my pace. My way.
I need to maintain the control.
“Fuck!” Ava yells, jerking violently.
“Mouth.” The word is garbled, broken, and I clench my eyes closed, calling on some restraint. “Don’t move.”
She pants, forcing herself into stillness, mumbling my name.
“I know.” I breathe in and out, over and over, my hands on her hips absorbing her violent shakes. Or are those my shakes? Shit, I couldn’t tell you. She’s obeying me, keeping still, trying to please me, and that’s a stimulant I’ve never had. Women have always bent to my will. Always strived to please me. But now, with this woman—a woman who is so precious to me—it’s a whole new level of gratification.
“I can’t do this.” The distressed tone of her voice pulls at my heartstrings. She can do this. She wants to do this, but, like me, she’s simply struggling with the formidable intensity, and we’ve just hit another level.
“You can do it, Ava,” I say softly. “Remember who you’re with.” Me. She’s with me. And I will move mountains to ensure she remains exactly here, stripping me of strength and sureness, but at the same time loading me with power and hope.