Total pages in book: 167
Estimated words: 157175 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 786(@200wpm)___ 629(@250wpm)___ 524(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 157175 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 786(@200wpm)___ 629(@250wpm)___ 524(@300wpm)
I swipe up the bottle of vodka and pull out the cork, my breathing laboured. A bead of sweat starts trickling down my forehead, and I roughly wipe it away as I bring the bottle to my lips. Just one sip. That’s all it’ll take. One swallow to start numbing the pain.
Nostrils flaring, I knock back my first big gulp and gasp, the liquor burning down my dry throat. It hits my stomach hard, and my thoughts go back to the days when I was lost in a haze of drink and women. I see myself naked. With endless women, all women who aren’t my wife.
‘Jesse!’ Ava’s stricken voice pierces my flashback, pulling me away from the decadent days of The Manor, back to my reality. Her glassy eyes hold me in place. Beautiful eyes, the chocolate eyes that put me under a spell and never let me go. ‘You shouldn’t be drinking,’ she pants, still breathless from her episode in the hallway.
I look down at the bottle, except this time I don’t see an escape. Now I see poison. Now I see the coward’s choice. Now I see real damage. She’s right; I shouldn’t be drinking it. But most importantly, she knows I shouldn’t be drinking it. ‘Why?’ I ask quietly, looking back to her. ‘Why shouldn’t I be drinking it, Ava?’
Her mouth opens and closes, her mind clearly straining to find the answer. I don’t want to admit that the answer she’s looking for isn’t there. I don’t want to accept that she won’t find it. Her statement was just another one of those pointless glimmers of hope.
Her blankness shoves me over the edge, and I lose my shit, frustration and despair getting the better of me. ‘Why, Ava?’ I roar. ‘Why shouldn’t I be drinking the fucking vodka?’
‘I don’t know,’ she sobs, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably, emotion finally taking the place of her frustration. ‘I don’t know.’ She buries her face in hands, hiding from our reality.
Seeing her so broken is harder than dealing with the frustration. Seeing her so utterly helpless shreds my heart. This is lower than any depths of hell I thought I’d seen.
‘Fuck!’ I flip, throwing the bottle at the wall ferociously before I do something stupid like down the rest. Shards of glass fly like shrapnel, the devil’s juice spraying every wall.
‘I shouldn’t drink it because I’m a fucking alcoholic!’ I boom. ‘Because before I met you, all I did was drink myself into oblivion and fuck anything with a fucking pulse. That’s why!’ I stagger back, my back hitting the wall, my breathing shot. I can’t control my body. My mouth.
My fucking tears.
Though I can still see her shock through the water distorting my sight.
‘You gave me a reason to stop, Ava.’ I heave where I stand, feeling like my life’s rapidly escaping my control altogether. ‘You made my heart start beating again. And now you’re not here any more and I don’t know if I can go on without you.’
My knees buckle, and I slide down the wall like a sack of shit, hitting the floor on a thud. I’m past holding it all in. I’m so past trying to be the strong one. Because without Ava, I’m the weakest man alive, and I feel like I’m without her now. My elbows hit my knees, my face going into my palms and hiding. I can’t bear the shock on her face. Can’t stand the fact that she’s seeing me like this.
‘Just go to bed,’ I beg, needing her to leave me alone in my misery. ‘Just go.’
I feel cold. Lonely.
And then . . . not.
Her hand slides onto my neck, and I look up to find her kneeling before me, teary eyes staring into mine. ‘I’m going nowhere.’ Edging her way closer, she places her palms on my knees and pushes them apart, moving between them. ‘Because even though I don’t know where I am, I feel like I’m at home. Even though I’m struggling to wrap my mind around you’ – more tears tumble as she squeezes my knees – ‘I know you’re mine. I know I’m your heart. Because even though I don’t know you, I know that when I think of you gone, it hurts really bad just here.’ Taking my hand, she pushes it into her chest. Her heart is thundering. Like mine.
‘Ava, I’m a broken man.’ I feel fucking awful admitting it. ‘The thought of you losing every memory we’ve had together cripples me.’
‘I know you’re stronger than this. I know you’re more determined. You promised you wouldn’t give up on me.’
My heart constricts. ‘Baby, I haven’t given up.’ I sigh and gesture her closer, and she comes with ease, letting me pull her onto my lap and cuddle her. ‘I’m just having a minor relapse.’