Total pages in book: 38
Estimated words: 36987 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 185(@200wpm)___ 148(@250wpm)___ 123(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 36987 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 185(@200wpm)___ 148(@250wpm)___ 123(@300wpm)
I understood that. PTSD was a real and terrifying part of life that had to be dealt with.
And because all the kids had sung my praises, their doctor, Kurt, wanted to meet me so I could maybe give him a better understanding of what they went through and who I was.
I didn’t really get that. I had no idea what kind of insight he was going to get from meeting me. But because he had requested it and because I didn’t have time and had to cancel more than once, Hannah had basically bushwhacked me with her psychiatrist.
The thing was, guarding Hannah was not the only thing I did at Sutter. My other duties included detailed threat assessments for executives traveling abroad, putting together security details, and matching bodyguards with those needing protection. I did a lot of interviews, talked to people, and got to know everyone so I could make informed decisions that would save lives. I was effective in my position, I noticed everything about people and their environments, their colleagues and loved ones, and knew almost intuitively who would work well together and those who would butt heads. My track record was exemplary, so much so that I had been promoted to being the number two man to the head of the division. The only thing getting in the way of me moving up higher, or being transferred overseas to run my own division, was that when the Army called, I was gone. Others had to pick up the slack, and though thus far Hannah had had no events while I was gone, a few times I had to have friends cover for me. Like the issue with the cartel that had put a price on her head. I was deployed when they came for her, and a friend had to take care of the threat. Everything had worked out, but I didn’t like to be beholden to anyone. Favors could be called in, and not having the power to decline whatever was asked was hard for me. Having grown up in foster care, the ability to say no had been a hard lesson.
Really, I was a mess. So many triggers, so much damage, lots of untapped rage and frustration, pain and sadness. Some days it was a wonder I functioned at all. But that sounded so whiny, as though I was feeling sorry for myself, so I never told a soul. And really, my ego was strong where my skill set was concerned. I would put my ability to take care of myself and others up there with anyone else’s. I had absolute confidence in that area of my life. On the flipside, my capacity to love another person, and to be loved in return…that, I wasn’t so sure about. I wasn’t certain my heart was really working, and anyone wanting me to begin with, as a partner, seemed like a stretch.
But that night, at the stupid fundraiser, Hannah’s friend David, who came from a crazy-rich family, was the victim of an attempted kidnapping. It only got as far as attempted because I foiled it, and Kurt got to see me in action.
That part was good because he was impressed. It went back to my confidence in my ability. The skill set of being able to kill other people worked by default. I could be nearly comatose, as I was now, and still, if I was attacked, or others in my proximity, I would defend myself and them, and I was going to win. I was lethal, no question, but that didn’t do squat for my love life.
And yet somehow, Kurt saw around all that. My “penchant for violence,” as he called it, a trait he abhorred, did not stop him from taking a step toward me instead of away. All the things that made me run from others, he simply didn’t do. That night had been the start because I had been hurt. No way around that when there were a lot of people with automatic machine guns. But when it was over, he took me home and took care of me. He didn’t want anything more than to watch me sleep. It had been the beginning of a better life for me, and I was grateful and so much more that I wasn’t ready to say out loud.
Two years in, you’d think everything had been sorted out and we were set. And that would probably have happened if I were home all the time, wasn’t deployed or didn’t travel in a non-combat capacity. As it was, we had yet to see what long stretches of time looked like for us. Or periods spent with his family. Small things always seemed to be the death of past relationships. Simple things like getting home by myself instead of waiting to be picked up. I never counted on anyone. But now I waited for Kurt because he wanted to be there. And still I was amazed that he was there, in my life, and didn’t seem to want to leave.