Total pages in book: 81
Estimated words: 76541 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 383(@200wpm)___ 306(@250wpm)___ 255(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 76541 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 383(@200wpm)___ 306(@250wpm)___ 255(@300wpm)
CHAPTER 29
Asher
My heart bleeds for Hannah. I’m not making things easier, even though I’m trying. I’ll eventually right my wrongs, but I need to let Hannah get there on her own steam and resolve.
“What makes you think I’m heartbroken over you?” she asks defiantly.
“I guess I don’t,” I admit truthfully. “I guess I’m just hoping. But I’m certain you’re pissed, and you have every right to be.”
Hannah’s cheeks turn pink, as if I’d just discovered a dirty secret about her. She’d like me to believe she’s not mad, as if I’m not worth the effort. But I refuse to believe that.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says primly.
“It does. I want to make it right.”
“Why?” she retorts angrily, pushing off from the post and advancing toward me. She goes to her tiptoes and gets right in my face. I glance over her shoulder to the dining room window to see both her brothers’ faces there, spying on us. They pull quickly back, and my attention goes to their sister when she pokes me in the chest. “Why do you want to make it right? Why are you here?”
“Because—”
“You owe me nothing. I am not your problem or your concern.”
“You are—”
“I’m not,” she growls, cutting me off and speaking right over me. “You made that clear when you didn’t even have the balls to tell me we were over.”
“I didn’t know—”
Once again, she shuts my explanations down. “You were a lame-ass for canceling our date to the gala so you wouldn’t have to be around me.”
“Hannah,” I warn.
“All because you thought I was hiding something from you. That I was being disingenuous, which is the most insulting thing—”
If she wanted to poke the bear, she succeeded, because now my anger flares. “Goddamn it, Hannah,” I yell. “I was terrified you were going to fucking die.”
Her mouth snaps shut, and she looks unsure of herself. However, her glare is still there.
She stays quiet, though, and listens.
I bring my hands to her shoulders, hating the way she stiffens slightly from my touch. I gentle my voice. “I’ve lost someone I’ve loved before, and I survived it. But I know without a doubt I can’t survive losing you.”
Hannah’s chin jerks inward with disbelief. “Of course you can. You’re the strongest person I know.”
I disregard that, because I feel like a fucking pussy with my fears. Instead, I tell her, “I need you to know I didn’t back away from you because I was mad you didn’t tell me about the cancer. It was purely out of fear that I was setting myself up for a potential catastrophic pain I wouldn’t survive. And for the record, it’s not that I didn’t have the balls to break things off with you. It’s sort of more like I was stalling until I could figure shit out. It wasn’t as permanent in my mind if I just stopped communicating as it would be if I broke it off in no uncertain terms.”
Hannah pulls back from me, crossing her arms over her chest almost protectively. “No. You were done. Canceling our date to the gala was a very clear message.”
“There was no date to the gala.” Her eyes widen with incredulity, so I rush to explain. “I didn’t go. If I couldn’t have you by my side, I didn’t want to go. But I didn’t know how to overcome the fear to have you by my side. My sister was pissed. She still hasn’t really forgiven me for what I did to you or for missing the gala.”
Hannah gives me a censuring look. “I can’t believe you didn’t go. That was your mother’s pet project. I know how important it is to you. To Christina.”
“Very important,” I reiterate. “But I’m telling you, Hannah. I was fucked in the head about all this.”
She just watches me, her face a mask of confusion.
I’m struggling to make it clear to her, but I can’t give up. I step into her, back her into the porch post, and take her hands in mine. “Hannah… my wife died and there was nothing I could do about it. It was devastating, no doubt, and I really struggled over the lack of control I had in the situation. So here comes this woman who captivates me in a way I’ve never known, and she made me forget that pain. She made me want to feel again.”
“That woman would be me, right?” she asks softly, a small smile to her mouth. The first sign I’ve seen that I’m getting through.
“That would be you,” I assure her. “And when I realized you could potentially die on me—after I’d just realized I’d fallen in love with you—I just couldn’t rationally process the emotions I felt. I didn’t want to fall in love again. I didn’t want to set myself up for hurt again. And yet, you were the ultimate prize. You were in reach, and now there’s a huge canyon between us filled with fear and doubt. So I backed off. Put you at arm’s length while I tried to process things.”