Total pages in book: 143
Estimated words: 132834 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 664(@200wpm)___ 531(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 132834 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 664(@200wpm)___ 531(@250wpm)___ 443(@300wpm)
“I’m still not marrying you,” she said into my shoulder.
“Disagree,” I said back, not trying to hide my amusement.
She made a harrumphing sound in her throat, that Savannah sound of irritation I loved so much. I let it go.
We both knew the truth. She may not have said it out loud, but she loved me. And eventually, she was going to marry me.
Chapter Forty-Three
SAVANNAH
The next morning, I jogged down the stairs to the first floor, mentally reviewing my to-do list for the rest of the day. Kitty, April, and I had successfully transformed one of the guest rooms into a usable state, complete with electricity and working plumbing in the ensuite bathroom. It was a small thing, but considering how long we’d been struggling with the guest wing, especially the electricity, I considered it a win. We had Scarlett’s family coming for her Christmas Eve wedding to Tenn, only just over a week away. Until this morning, I wasn’t sure we’d manage rooms for them. One down, one to go.
Now, I had to find Parker for a meeting on the changes to the space that had been my apartment behind the kitchens. We needed to loop Finn into the conversation. As the cook, he’d likely use the new staff room more than anyone else. He should have input on how we set it up. I glanced down at my left hand and the ring sparkling on my finger. Darcy’s ring. My ring.
I couldn’t get my head around that. Finn had put an engagement ring on my finger. He wanted to marry me. The thought still made my head spin. Was I ever going to get used to it? Maybe in a million years. At first, I’d been sure he was kidding. He couldn’t have meant it. He was trying to help with Lydia. He didn’t want to marry anyone. Especially not me. We’d hated each other for years.
But I didn’t hate Finn. I hadn’t hated him since I was a teenager. Since this thing between us started, the last thing I felt for him was hate. I admired him. I liked him. I wanted to get naked with him as often as possible.
Did I love him? Finn Sawyer?
I shook my head at the idea. I wasn’t ready to think about it. A part of me resented Finn for forcing me to face reality. I’d been cruising along, enjoying the sex, enjoying lying in his arms at night, talking until we fell asleep. Enjoying the simplicity of it all. And then Finn had to slam on the brakes and demand I admit what we had was more than just sex and fun.
It was a relationship. It was real. He wanted me to see him, to treat him as if he mattered.
As the thought took shape in my head, I felt a wave of shame at my selfishness. Too many people had treated Finn as if he didn’t matter. As if he were no more than a means to an end. Was I going to be just one more person who didn’t truly see him? My heart squeezed at the thought, the ring sparkling on my hand a symbol of all that Finn was.
I could try to lie to myself, to run from what scared me, but Finn deserved better. I deserved better. I wanted to tell myself that the engagement, this ring, was a game, but they weren’t. Finn loved me. He wanted to marry me. He wanted to make a family with me. All of that was true and real.
So what did I want?
The answer was immediate. Finn.
I wanted Finn. I wanted him for me because he made me happy like no one else ever had.
I wanted him for Nicky because he was already ten times the father Oliver had been. He loved us. He’d be a good husband. A wonderful father. I knew all of that in my heart.
Still, I couldn’t bring myself to tell him yes.
We didn’t need this bright future he was dangling in front of me. Nicky and I were doing just fine. We’d lost Oliver long before he’d overdosed, and we’d survived.
But wasn’t life about more than survival?
It was. I knew it was. But I remembered the agony of losing Oliver, of watching him leave us a little more every day. In such a short time, Finn had become everything to me. He was light and love, and he filled all my dark places. If he changed his mind, fell out of love, if something happened to him . . . I couldn’t. I couldn’t go through that again.
Better to survive alone than reach for more and suffer that pain again. Because it wouldn’t be that pain, it would be so much worse because this was Finn.
Twisting the ring on my finger, I wished I could just table the whole thing until I figured myself out. I couldn’t bring myself to say yes, and I couldn’t seem to say no. He loved me. I hadn’t been able to give him those words, but I hadn’t denied them either. I could have told him he was wrong, that this really was just sex, that I didn’t love him and never would. I could say all that, but it would be a lie.