Total pages in book: 87
Estimated words: 82034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 410(@200wpm)___ 328(@250wpm)___ 273(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 82034 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 410(@200wpm)___ 328(@250wpm)___ 273(@300wpm)
“How could you know?”
“I just know,” he returns with a shrug. “I just feel it when I’m with you two, and it’s so evident when we’re in bed together.”
“So, you think your participation with us will what… hurt what Avril and I are building together?”
“Maybe,” Andrew says. “Maybe not. You both are into the sex club thing, so maybe you’ll find a third to join you there at some point. But if you want my advice, you need to concentrate on the two of you first. Because it could be disastrous if this falls apart.”
He doesn’t have to tell me that. It’s the thing that worries me the most. If I break Avril’s heart somehow, the friendship is going to be ruined, not to mention our working relationship. It will change everything.
While I was pretty sure Andrew was done with this when I came here, I really wanted more than anything to get his advice. “I’m not going to lie to you. There’s a part of me that wants you to stick with this, because it will prevent things from developing with Avril and me.”
There.
I said it.
My real fear has been voiced.
Andrew nods. “Yeah… I stay in the bed with you two, and things aren’t going to go very far between you.”
I shoot him a sheepish smile. “So stay with us. There’s no rush on things.”
“Coward.” Andrew smirks back at me.
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” I grouse as I push up from the chair. I start pacing his living room. “I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I don’t know how to count on someone. I don’t know how to be there for someone.”
“That’s bullshit,” Andrew says bluntly. “You’ve been in a relationship with Avril for seventeen years. That’s what friendship is… a relationship. You’ve counted on her time and time again when it comes to your business. You’ve been there for her before, most recently when Jamie cheated on her. You know how to do it all; you just have to figure out how to apply it to these new circumstances.”
He’s not telling me anything I don’t know. I’m fucking smart enough and self-aware enough to understand my issues.
What I’m really afraid of is not me breaking Avril’s heart, because I can figure this shit out for sure.
I’m afraid she’s going to break my heart, and I don’t want to feel that pain again. I felt it when I lost my father, and if it was so easy for a father to lose his son, then I stand an even greater risk with Avril. She’s not my flesh and blood.
“Get over your trust issues,” Andrew advises as I look out the windows to the Vegas night skyline. “They shouldn’t apply to Avril. She’d never hurt you.”
Fuck, I know this deep down inside. I know it, I know it, I know it.
Still can’t get rid of the almost claustrophobic fear.
“It’s really very simple,” Andrew says, and I turn to face him. “Cut it loose like you did me, and both of you move on before it gets really complicated. Or take a risk for what could be the best thing you’ve ever had in your life.”
I know that, too.
Avril could be that for me.
The woman who protected me from my father, and then tracked him down in case I ever changed my mind about him.
♦
I don’t go back to Avril’s after I leave Andrew’s. I send her a text to tell her I had a good talk with Andrew and I’d explain everything to her tomorrow. She responds back with nothing but a heart emoji, and that causes me discomfort. It feels good and bad at the same time.
When I get to my house, I boot up my laptop and kick back in my favorite recliner with a glass of scotch. I pull up Google and type in my father’s name, Lyndon Hawthorne. I get 372,000 results, and the first page is nothing but Facebook profiles.
My cursor hovers over the first result, and I know I could potentially click on it and see his face. I’d recognized him without any doubt that day he’d shown up at my apartment, and it’s because I could never forget what the face of abandonment and betrayal looked like. I could never forgive a man who loved drugs more than his own son.
Should I even confront that? Would it make a difference?
I think about the man I am today, and the success I’ve made of my life.
That I alone have made of my life.
I exit out of Google and shut my laptop. I don’t need to confront him or know more about the bastard. It’s enough to know he was weak and I am strong.
Strong enough to push forward and see what will develop between Avril and me. I want her and I’m not ready to let her go. I know we can only go forward, so that’s what I’m going to do.