Total pages in book: 107
Estimated words: 95311 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 477(@200wpm)___ 381(@250wpm)___ 318(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 95311 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 477(@200wpm)___ 381(@250wpm)___ 318(@300wpm)
Everyone here hates you. We all see you for what you are, a pathetic, weak, opportunist.
She liked, oh God, she liked EM. She never thought it would be possible but, as much as she loathed him at times, she admired him. She looked up to him. He was an exceptional example of what people were capable of if they set their mind to something and refused to let anything get in their way. She wanted to emulate that. She wanted to be able to look past all the naysayers spreading lies about her. She wanted to be able to hold her head high and let everyone there know that she was better than them, she wouldn't let them get her down. She knew that she was there by her own merit. She knew she was going places if she stuck with it.
It was absolutely not a factor that she was sexually attracted to him. That was over. It was a moment of weakness for both of them and she was never going to let that happen again.
You will never deserve him. You are not successful. You are not attractive. You are nothing.
Hannah felt a pang each time a letter came. She told herself she wouldn't. She told herself to not open the notes. But something inside her needed to know what it said. And despite knowing that they were written by an obviously jealous and unsound mind, it didn't stop the words from stinging somewhere deep inside of her where she constantly tried to keep her insecurity buried. She couldn't stop herself from identifying as the miserably pathetic person she was being painted out to be. It was hard to stay strong when ten or fifteen notes a day came screaming otherwise.
Sleeping was becoming more a hassle than ever before. Where she used to fall into the bed, utterly exhausted and pass out in five minutes, she lay awake for hours. Her restless mind would replay the words with painfully vivid recollection. After a while, she almost stopped sleeping altogether. She would fall asleep to nightmares that woke her before an hour would even pass. She was being stalked and followed. She was falling. She was being chased by a pack of feral dogs.
We will get you out of here one way or another.
Her body was starting to feel foreign to her. Sleep deprivation was making her feel detached from herself and everything around her. She drank coffee in excess to keep her functioning through the fog of exhaustion. It had her feeling jumpy and jittery. Food wasn't something she thought about. Beyond her knowledge that there was nothing wrong with her body, constant comments on her weight had obviously allowed body negativity to take root. If she ate anything from one day to the next, it was a lot.
She felt her clothes starting to hang loose.
Stop fighting it. You're a wreck. You're miserable. Your plan is failing. You should just kill yourself already!
Hannah's hands shook as she put the letter down on top of the pile of all the others. She wasn't sure why she was keeping them, in a pink and tan decorative storage box in the bottom drawer of her desk.
"Knock knock," Tad said from the doorway, holding a cup of tea and a plate of cookies. He placed them down in front of her, picking at one of the cookies himself. When she didn't reach for one herself, he sighed. "You have to friggen eat, Hannah," he said, his voice at once irritated and worried.
"I'm not hungry," she said, taking a sip of the tea and wincing. He brought her chamomile.
"Bullshit. You're wasting away. If you don't eat this plate of cookies, I am going to shove them down your throat." When she scoffed, Tad leaned closer. "Try me."
Hannah rolled her eyes but took a cookie and bit into it. It tasted plain, like cardboard even though she knew it was loaded with sugar.
"What the hell is going on with you? This eating disorder thing you got going on is ridiculous. You were perfect."
Hannah felt irritation gurgle up in her belly. "I do not have an eating disorder," she said, sounding snippy.
"When is the last time you ate anything?" Tad asked and when there was a long silence, he nodded. "Exactly."
Hannah took a sip of the tea to wash down the crumbs of the cookie. "I'm fine, Tad."
"You're a mess. An absolute mess, Hannah-Banana. I know the rumors have been nonstop, but you just have to try not to let them get to you."
"Could you?" Hannah asked, looking up with him with all of her frustration and defeat. Tad looked at her for a long minute before shaking his head. "No. And I never thought I would say this... but maybe you should leave."
Hannah shook her head, looking away. "That's what they want."