Total pages in book: 129
Estimated words: 121764 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 609(@200wpm)___ 487(@250wpm)___ 406(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 121764 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 609(@200wpm)___ 487(@250wpm)___ 406(@300wpm)
I smiled, because I’d asked her to share something with me, and the first thing she’d thought of was to tell me everything good in her life. I didn’t know a single other person who would have done the same. Not one.
But then, her eyes glossed, and she pressed a hand to her chest, letting out a shaky breath. “God, I hate this feeling.”
“What feeling?”
She shook her head. “When my chest feels heavy and fluttery at the same time, when my throat closes in on itself and my nose stings.”
“So… when you need to cry?”
She sucked in a breath, and her bottom lip trembled when she let it out. “No, no, no, I don’t want to cry.”
She fought it, and seeing that emotion choke her was like smoke in my lungs. I turned her in my lap, so she had no choice but to face me. “Why? Let it happen, Nova. Let it out.”
She bit her lip and shook her head, holding her eyes open wide so they brimmed with the tears she refused to shed. “I’m scared that if I do, I’ll never feel happy again. I’m so afraid this feeling will swallow me whole.”
And with that, she broke.
The first tears slipped free, and she buried her face in her hands like she was ashamed.
That broke me.
I pulled her into my chest, covering her head with my hand and cradling her against me. I rocked her like a small child, soothing her with a hand on her back and my voice in her ear.
“You won’t get lost in this feeling,” I promised her. “As long as you allow it to exist, it will do just that — and then it will pass. Just like everything else in life.”
She sobbed.
The girl full-on sobbed, clutching me to her and crying into my chest.
It killed me to feel that emotion escaping her, to know she was hurting. But I was also proud of her for letting it all be felt. It wasn’t easy to do for anyone, least of all her.
I felt honored to be the one she could break with.
I held her for a long while, and then she sat up, her face red and streaked with tears. She batted them away. “I just… I feel like the only thing I’m good for is to make the other people in my life happy. When Vince was upset after a game, or before a game, or even in the off-season… whenever he’d beat himself up, I was always there to remind him how great he was, to push him on, to tell him he could do anything he put his mind to.”
I thought about how Vince called her before every game so she could do some little dance she’d done one time in high school to cheer him up. He’d won that night, and so it had become a superstition, part of his routine.
He needed her, and she was there — every fucking time.
“And my parents,” she said, sniffing. “When they were worried about Vince, or about work, or about some stupid party they were hosting or — whatever.” She waved her hand in the air. “I loved to be the one to cheer them up. I loved to make a joke, to bring them comfort, to turn their anxiety into laughter. With my friends, it’s always felt… surface level. Like, if someone has a bad breakup, I’m the one they call for a good night out on the town. Or if we’re at a party and it’s dull, I’m the one they look to. I’m the one they expect to jump up and dance on the bar or challenge someone to a drinking game. And don’t get me wrong,” she said quickly. “I love to be that person. It feels natural to me. I enjoy being the life of the party. I just…”
She took a breath, fidgeting with her hands.
“Somewhere along the way, that’s what I became to everyone I loved. I was the one they went to when they wanted to feel better.” Her face crumpled. “But because I was always okay, because I was always happy… no one ever checked in on me.”
I swallowed the knot in my throat, pulling her to me again.
“I sound like such a brat.”
“No,” I said, pulling back so I could look her in the eyes. “You’re not a brat because you want someone to ask you how you are, Grace. And because I can feel it in how stiff you are right now, I’ll also tell you that it doesn’t make you selfish, either.” I took a breath, framing her face. “You are allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to not be okay. And you’re damn sure allowed to wish for someone to notice when you’re not.”
She nodded, eyes watering again. “I think sometimes I’m just a joke to them. Cute little Grace, always getting into something. I’m always on the go, always dating someone new and then heartbroken a week later. But the truth is…” She sucked in a breath like she just realized the truth she was speaking of, and it killed her. “The truth is I’m always on the go because I don’t feel like I have a safe place to land.”