Total pages in book: 99
Estimated words: 91560 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 458(@200wpm)___ 366(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91560 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 458(@200wpm)___ 366(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
“I see what you mean,” I muse. “Or, like, going to the gym every day.”
“Exactly. It might seem easy in the beginning, but there are always going to be challenges. It’s great, walking forward with confidence, but you need to have the techniques we’ve worked on in your back pocket to help you through the weak moments. Sudden surprises, losses, challenges. That’s when the impulse is going to come back stronger than ever.”
It’s actually interesting she would mention that, because there is a challenge coming up on the horizon. I haven’t wanted to pay too much attention to it or give it more weight than it deserves, but it’s always there, getting a little bigger every day. “Mom’s birthday is in a couple of weeks.” Saying the words out loud makes my throat go tight.
“I see. And how do you feel about that?”
How am I supposed to feel? How does she think I’d feel? How would she feel, for God’s sake? “It makes me miss her more than ever. And I feel…”
“Go on,” she prods gently. Now her face is blank, giving me no input whatsoever. I hate this part. I know she must be thinking something, but she refuses to show it.
“I feel more regret than ever on that day. The pain… it’s the worst on that day. Because she would be here if it wasn’t for…”
“If it wasn’t for the fact that she fell.”
I bob my head, staring down at the hands folded in my lap, clenched tight. “Right. If she was here, we could celebrate.”
“You can still celebrate, you know. You can listen to her favorite music, you can eat her favorite food. You can even have a little cake if you wanted to. You can sing Happy Birthday. This is how people cope with big, heavy losses. There’s nothing unusual about it.”
“It doesn’t bring her back,” I whisper as my hands blur. The tears in my eyes mean I can feel things again—that’s a good thing, really, even if it hurts.
“No, sadly,” she murmurs. “It doesn’t. But it brings her closer to you for a little while. And sometimes, that’s all we have to hold on to. That little bit of closeness we can still find. I would encourage you as you prepare for our next session to reflect on your memories with her. Good memories. What did she like best? How can you celebrate her in a positive, loving way?”
The question is on my mind as I leave her office, stepping into a warm, breezy afternoon. It always feels good to take a few deep breaths once I’m out of there, to tip my head back and let the sun warm my skin. Almost like I’m letting go of everything that’s weighed on me, all the stuff we talked about inside. Sort of like a reset.
And then I smile when I open my eyes and find Tucker waiting for me in the truck. He grins when I walk his way, lightening my heart. There are still times it’s hard to believe there’s somebody who is always so happy to see me. I have really been conditioned to believe I’m useless, nothing but a burden. I have Doctor Pierce to thank for helping me understand that.
I also have her to thank for understanding I did not kill my mom, which might be the greatest gift of all. And it’s thanks to Tucker, because I couldn’t afford any of this without him now that Dad is out of my life.
“Hey, beautiful.” He leans in for a kiss once I’m sitting next to him, the kind of kiss that lingers and makes me melt a little. “How did it go?”
I wish he would keep kissing me, but he has to drive the truck. “It went all right. I told her about Mom’s birthday coming up.”
“What did she have to say about it?”
“She thinks I should come up with ways to celebrate, but it feels sort of weird to me.”
“I don’t know,” he replies with a shrug. “I think it sounds like a good idea.”
That, I find hard to believe. “You do?”
“Sure. People do it all the time. We could go to dinner if you want—did she have a favorite restaurant?”
Just when I think I can’t love him more than I already do. Like it’s not enough he gave me a life—which is so much more than giving me my life back, since I didn’t really have a life in the first place. Everything I have is thanks to him, including my freedom. I don’t even want to think about what my life would be like now if he hadn’t come to rescue me.
“I have a little bit of a surprise for you,” he announces, and now I understand why his knee keeps bouncing. It’s adorable, really.
“Are we going back to Heaven?” I ask, making him chuckle.