Total pages in book: 62
Estimated words: 60198 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 301(@200wpm)___ 241(@250wpm)___ 201(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 60198 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 301(@200wpm)___ 241(@250wpm)___ 201(@300wpm)
“You are Anders! You pretended to be your brother to have sex with me and then pretended to be my friend in between. You need professional help. That’s like psycho level of … psychoness.”
I want to so badly call him out for being an English teacher who just used the word psychoness, but I know now’s not the time. That’s a joke between friends, and we are not friends right now. “I’m sorry” is all I manage to say. “I didn’t know how to stop.”
“It’s too late for sorry.”
When he walks around his car and opens the driver’s side door, I beg for him to stop. Whether it’s aloud or silent, I don’t know, because he either doesn’t hear me or ignores me no matter how loud I plead.
I watch the empty street long after he’s turned the corner and gone from my life. When I head back inside the dojo, Anders is where I left him, still packing away the mats and equipment.
He looks up when he senses me, and stands taller, awaiting my explanation, but words fail me.
I can’t catch my breath.
I’ve really lost him. Reed’s gone.
I fall to my knees and bend forward. My elbows hit the mats as I hang my head.
“Law?” My brother sinks down beside me. “Is there something you’re not telling me? Something about accidentally wandering into my closet and rummaging around?”
“Fuck,” I mutter into the mats. Trust Anders to make a joke right now. “I know I should’ve told you, but it’s new. I mean … no, it’s not new.” Sitting up, I give my brother the respect he deserves by staring him in the eyes as I say this. “I’ve always known I’m bi, but I just never … I never dated guys because—”
“Because that’s my thing.”
I nod, no longer able to keep looking at him.
Anders sighs and it’s full of resignation and understanding. “I’m not going to say you’re an idiot, even if you are. We try to stand apart from each other in so many ways, but it’s a stupid thing to keep hidden from me. Did you think I’d react badly to this?”
“It’s not that. Yeah, it might be a little messed up that I didn’t want to date guys because of you, but it’s not why I didn’t do it. I was fine with not having to label it or focus on it or make it a big deal. I’ve been confident in my skin for a long time but have only just started to explore that side of me. And Reed …”
Anders screws up his face. “He thinks you’re me? No wonder that dude is pissed.”
“It started the night I was supposed to break off your date with him. It was a hook-up and I was never going to see him again.”
“Have you ever done that before? Like gone home with one of my—”
“Fuck no. Uh … no offence.”
Anders chuckles.
“It turns out we work together—me and Reed. In this dojo, I’m Law, so I couldn’t pretend to be you when he knew you were an accountant. Before I knew it, I was friends with him as Law but fucking him as Anders. I’d go to his place and he always assumed I was you when he answered the door. I’m a coward for not telling him, but I knew I’d lose him in the end.” I rub my chest. “I just didn’t think it’d hurt this much.”
“Whoa, you really like this guy.”
Yeah, I do, and I fucked it up. “Doesn’t matter anyway, because he dumped you for another guy.”
“You’re gonna ruin my rep, bro. Anders doesn’t get broken up with. You should remember that for next time.”
“Next time? Don’t think it’ll happen again. Reed’s the only date of yours I’ve actually liked.”
Anders laughs.
“You’re … You’re not mad?”
“I can see why you’d want to be me, because well, I’m better than you. And while I hope you don’t have to use my name to get your rocks off—because that would need serious therapy—it’s not like you hurt anyone. It’s not a big deal, Law.”
“Thanks for the perspective, but I did hurt someone. I hurt Reed every time I pretended to be you.”
“Hey, at least you didn’t try to slit his throat.”
I wince. I should be grateful he can say such things without freaking out now, but it still reminds me of how I found him. I stare at my bloodied hands and try to wash away the invisible red like I’ve done a thousand times before.
Anders slaps my hands away from each other. “All I mean is Reed might not forgive you for being a douche, and I’m not saying what you did was right, but honestly? Don’t feel guilty about it. It was a mistake that snowballed into more. Doing one bad thing doesn’t make you a bad person.”