Total pages in book: 96
Estimated words: 93575 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 468(@200wpm)___ 374(@250wpm)___ 312(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 93575 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 468(@200wpm)___ 374(@250wpm)___ 312(@300wpm)
“That must be difficult.”
“It is. Some days more than others.”
“Still, you’re very loyal to her.”
“I remember how we were. How much we cared for each other. Looked after each other.”
“And you’ve paid her back many times over.”
I shrugged, knowing she was right. “I’m not sure anyone else would take me on with the rep I have now.”
She fiddled with my collar, looking unsure.
“Ask me, Shortcake,” I murmured affectionately.
“When were you diagnosed?”
“Later than some. My mid-twenties. My first bad episode was after my mom died. I spiraled pretty hard. MJ had known she was dying and didn’t tell me. My mom knew it and hid it from me. I was furious, and not long after she passed, I had a breakdown. A bad one. It was the scariest thing I had ever experienced. I couldn’t control myself. My body. My thoughts.”
“Oh, Nick,” Mila whispered, framing my face with her palms. “How awful.”
“MJ covered it up, saying it was grief. The doctors the studio had me see were happy to write it off. The next time wasn’t long after, and I admitted myself to the hospital. Got different opinions. Those doctors said the word bipolar. I realized how often I had covered up my depression. Pushed it aside, losing myself in the characters I played. It was almost a relief hearing why I felt the way I did so much of the time. MJ was horrified. So was the studio. They put it all under wraps. I was on a huge upswing in my career—but falling apart in private. I agreed to their terms so I could keep acting, and I hid my personal life. I stayed on the meds and with therapy, but with no support from them.” I let out a long breath. “When I had another episode, they did the whole rehab thing. Once it was out there, it was too late to object, and frankly, I didn’t care. I had no one to worry about, and it was such an accepted thing in Hollywood, no one paid it much attention. Except now, I had a reputation.” I grimaced. “I am known for my short temper at times too, so that doesn’t help. It only adds to the list. The whole bad-boy rep.”
“One you need to break.”
I smiled at her fierceness. “One I can’t break unless I walk away from this life, Mila.”
She frowned. “Is it really life if you have to hide?”
Her words stopped me cold.
“It’s the only one I know.”
“Then I’ll have to show you a different one.”
We stayed close the rest of the night, neither of us wanting to leave the small bubble we’d created. Mila asked me other questions, and I answered them as best I could. I felt no anxiety with her or her queries. I knew they were coming from a place of concern and nothing else.
We sat back at the table to eat the sandwiches we’d abandoned. I noticed a script on the corner of the table. “What is that?”
“Oh.” She picked it up. “You left it in the conference room earlier.”
“Oh, right.” I grimaced, taking it. “The one MJ wants me to audition for.”
“You shouldn’t do it.”
“Why?”
She glanced away, and I leaned forward, sliding a finger under her chin and urging her head in my direction. “Tell me why.”
She inhaled. “I read it. It’s a horrible, dark role.”
“I know. She likes the gritty ones.”
“This one is beyond gritty. You told me your episodes often happen when you lose yourself in a role. Forget to take your meds. This afternoon after I looked through that script, I did a little research.”
“Writers are good at that.” I winked at her, wondering where this was going.
“Your last two stints at ‘rehab’”—she used her fingers for air quotations—“happened when the roles you had taken on were very intense, dark characters. I think they’re too much for you to handle. They trigger a spiral.”
“Are you a doctor now?” I asked, feeling a little uncomfortable. “You think I can’t handle the roles? Tell what is real from acting?”
“No, that isn’t what I’m saying. You lose yourself in your acting, Nick. You become the character. You admit you forget your meds sometimes. I think the darkness takes over. I think there is a correlation.”
I glanced between her and the script. Was she right? Could one trigger the other? I could recall the feeling of being weighed down the longer we filmed the last dark role I had accepted. It was one of the reasons I had wanted to do this film. The character was intense, but in a different way. He was broody and gruff. But he loved as intensely as he brooded. He wasn’t dark. Mila was correct—the role MJ was so intent on my getting would be very emotionally draining.
And somehow, on some level, I knew that. I didn’t want to do that role.