Total pages in book: 83
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 80689 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 403(@200wpm)___ 323(@250wpm)___ 269(@300wpm)
I’m still blanking.
He waits for me to respond, and when I don’t, “Okay. Bad idea. Forget I said anything. I don’t want it to be weird.”
He starts to pull away, but I keep my arms around him. “Wait. Do you mean an item like…together? Like boyfriends?”
“Well, yeah. What else would I mean?”
I chuckle, which makes his eyes widen. “No, I’m not laughing at that,” I say quickly. “I’m laughing that I was so confused by what you said. I’ve never had a boyfriend before, so I guess I don’t know how that comes up.”
“Well, I haven’t either. Girlfriends, yes, but not a boyfriend.”
I smile as I consider the idea. It’s a lovely thought, but nearly as soon as I entertain it, I consider that Simon only plans to have him here for the summer. “But you’ll have to go back to Chicago at some point.”
“I like you a lot, Ryan. I like spending time with you and doing what we’re doing, but I also like getting to know you. I don’t know. Maybe you’re right and it’s a dumb idea.”
“I don’t think it’s dumb, Jonas. I’m just not sure how we’ll make it work.”
“People have long-distance relationships. It’s not like you couldn’t come visit me in Chicago.”
He must notice my expression because he says, “Or I could come here.”
Which relaxes me again.
“We don’t have to figure it all out right now, Ryan. And who knows? In a few months, I might drive you away, but I want to have this ass on lockdown.” He offers a firm squeeze that brings some levity to his suggestion.
Between never having a boyfriend and not really knowing how this could work out, it’s confusing, but I can’t deny that just his suggestion excites me.
“Okay.”
“Okay, you’ll consider it?”
“No, I mean, we’re boyfriends now. We don’t need to hold a ceremony or anything, do we?”
We share a laugh. “This feels like being a kid. Kind of weird, considering we’re two grown men.”
Given everything we’ve talked about, the lives we’ve lived, it’s funny to think there’s something childish, innocent even, about our chat. Even more so since it came after something that wasn’t remotely innocent. But it’s a lovely feeling. Reminds me of a time when the world wasn’t so dark and gray. When I believed life could be this wonderful, beautiful thing. Back when Simon and I shared a king-size bed, his arms around me, holding me close. Had we known what life had in store for us, we probably would have clung on tighter, desperate to freeze time while we were still in the bliss of our youth.
I hook my arms around Jonas. “Well, boyfriend, you did a good job fucking me on this desk.”
“Yeah, you might need to swing by the bathroom to take care of that…boyfriend.”
There’s a rush in my chest, and my cheeks warm, my ass clenching slightly as my body viscerally responds to having Jonas use that word on me.
“Actually, I think I want to hold on to it for a little longer,” I tell him before stealing a kiss.
We enjoy a few moments to make out as boyfriends, and then Jonas heads into town to get supplies so I won’t have to send Forsyth or Morgan on Monday.
I grab Tess of the d’Urbervilles off the desk and head to the sofa. I have to sit carefully because, damn, he gave me a pounding. But I enjoy the tenderness. It makes me think of him, that I still have a piece of him inside me.
As exciting as it was to use that word…boyfriend…there’s a knot in my gut. Some part of me knows better.
I imagine Simon sauntering into the library.
“Do you really think this can last?” he’d ask. “He’ll return home, and he’ll never think twice about you. Or what? Are you going to leave Hawthorne Heights?” This, of course, is followed by a maniacal laugh—not something I’ve ever heard from Simon, but that I expect he’s done plenty of times in spirit.
With the seeds of doubt sown, it was only a moment that I could really enjoy the innocent fantasy, because even if Jonas and I manage to sustain this over the summer, I know it’s not likely to become anything more. He has to get back to his life with his sister and aunt. And my life is here.
But if a summer is all I can have with him, I’ll take it.
22
JONAS
Boyfriends.
Never had one of those. Never thought I’d have one.
But there’s something deeply satisfying about knowing Ryan’s mine.
Despite the heavy workload we’ve taken on, it somehow feels more manageable because of the time I know we’ll spend together at night and on our days off. We’re in our own little world; it’s the only thing that’s real. The rest is a fantasy.
“Couldn’t wait to get your greedy arms around me again?” Ryan asks as I pin him against the side of the house and steal a kiss. My lips move across his cheek and down to his neck. It’s a primal exploration of his body; I don’t hold back, just go with what feels natural. His moan confirms he’s fine with that.