Total pages in book: 235
Estimated words: 227851 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1139(@200wpm)___ 911(@250wpm)___ 760(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 227851 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 1139(@200wpm)___ 911(@250wpm)___ 760(@300wpm)
Peaceful.
This isn’t real.
But as I look up into my wife’s eyes, my unbelievable reality sinks in.
And the tears come again.
Do I deserve this?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Three Years Later . . .
* * *
The water sparkles under the spring sunshine, like millions of diamonds are floating on the surface of the lake, the ducks weaving through the water with grace and efficiency. Everything seems so vividly clear. The blades of grass. The detailed patterns of bark on the trees. The faces of the people around me. I can smell the spring air. Every sense is heightened.
It’s seven thirty. What am I doing here? I’m sitting. I look beside me to the wood. I’m on a bench? Glancing around, I see runners, walkers, strollers, dog-walkers. The park is busy, as you would expect on a beautiful spring evening. But, again, what the hell am I doing here? I rise to my feet, noticing I’m wearing a suit.
A suit. I haven’t worn a suit since I sold The Manor. No need for any armor anymore.
Weird.
I dip into my pocket to get my keys. No keys. I pat my body down. No keys, no phone. “The fuck?” I breathe, circling on the spot, trying to pull anything from my brain that would explain why the fuck I’m in St James’s Park. Alone. With no keys and no phone.
In a suit.
I still for a moment, thinking, memories floating on the edge of my mind. I breathe in when a shooting pain hits my stomach, and I pull my suit jacket back, my heart missing too many beats. I look down at my shirt.
White.
No blood, no knife.
What’s going on? I take a few steps on the path and come to a sharp stop when something down by the water catches my eye. “What?” I whisper, rushing toward the railings that keep people away from the edge of the lake. I take hold of the top, eyes unwavering from the side of the water, and kick my leg over. I walk down to the edge, my eyes burning, not daring to blink, watching as her little chubby hands fumble with the bag of bird seed. The bag splits, and the seed scatters at her feet.
“Oopsie daisy,” I whisper, my heart climbing up into my throat.
She spots me, her green eyes widening. “Daddy!” And she runs my way.
I breathe in sharply, searching for the invisible wall, waiting for her to crash into it. “Rosie, no!”
She doesn’t.
She throws herself at me, and I catch her, amazed, feeling the impact of our bodies coming together. The force robs me of every bit of air in my lungs. Her little backside rests on my forearm, her thighs wrapped around my torso. Then her palms slap against my cheeks and squeeze. “Oopsie daisy,” she says, giggling.
I’m rendered stupid, just staring into her green eyes, taking in her dark blond hair. She’s wearing her little pink T-shirt with a rainbow heart on. The last thing she was wearing when Carmichael carried her away from me. “Hey, baby girl,” I whisper over the lump wedged in my throat.
She laughs, pointing to the water. “Quack, quack, Daddy.”
“You want to feed the ducks?” I ask, carrying her down to the edge of the water, soon getting caught up in the swarms of ducks flapping around, greedy for the seeds she’s dropped. She laughs her little arse off, delighted. I can’t take my eyes off her.
Heaven is where you want it to be.
I breathe in, turning when I hear footsteps behind me.
Jake.
“There you are,” he says.
“I found Daddy,” Rosie replies, wriggling out of my hold. I reluctantly lower her to her feet and watch, stunned, as she starts clapping her hands, stomping through the crowd of ducks.
Jake passes me, chasing after her. “Come on, Rosie, we have to go.”
Go?
“Where?” I call, following Jake down to the water. “I just got here.” I reach for my chest, pressing my hand into it. Beating. Hard. Jake passes me, now with Rosie on his shoulders. “Jake, wait,” I call, and he turns, walking backward, Rosie’s little palms resting on his forehead, her legs dangling down his front. And he doesn’t say a word.
They’re fading.
No.
Fading.
Please, no.
Then, the very second before they disappear, he smiles. “Love you, bro,” he calls.
And Rosie waves, yelling, “Bye, Daddy!”
Fuck. “Love you both,” I whisper over my devastation, going after them, but as I reach the railings, something emerges from the haze where Rosie and Jacob just vanished.
Ava.
I come to an alarmed stop, my heart going wild in my chest as she walks toward me, her smile falling when she spots me. I must look like I’ve seen a ghost. I rake a hand through my hair, hot, clammy. She’s holding Maddie in one hand, Jacob in the other.
“Daddy!” they yell, trying to come at me, but Ava holds onto them as I let out another whimper, and this time it’s one of relief as I take in my wife and kids.