Total pages in book: 95
Estimated words: 88143 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 88143 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 441(@200wpm)___ 353(@250wpm)___ 294(@300wpm)
“He’s getting married,” I tell my father after accepting another shot of tequila. Coughing after I swallow it down, I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. “Ed is getting married.” I shake my head. “That pencil dick lying motherfucker is getting married.”
“Oh, honey,” my mother says from beside me.
Vivienne now goes over to the cell phone and grabs it, reading the caption out loud. “When you find the one, you take the leap. Marry me.” She rolls her eyes and pretends to gag. “Le trou du cul.” Asshole, she says in French.
“That pencil dick motherfucker,” I say now angry again. “I knew he was a tool. You told me he was a tool.” I point at Zoe who just nods.
“I did,” she says, and I start to pace again, the heat from the tequila spreading through me.
“Oh no, baby, it’s not you, it’s me.” I imitate him, sounding like a whiny baby. “I’m just tired, baby.”
“She never even had a happy ending,” Vivienne says from the counter while she drinks her glass of wine. Karrie walks up to her and grabs it from her, gulping it down.
“I don’t want to hear this,” my father says. “Are you going to be okay?” He comes to me and puts his hand on my arms, bringing me to his chest. My face rests in the middle of his chest, the safest place I can be.
“Of course, she’s going to be okay,” Zoe says, going to get her own shot of tequila. She winces when she swallows and then gags. “That’s shit is fucking disgusting.” She points at the bottle.
“I’m going to go down with the kids,” my father says, kissing my mother’s lips. “Love you.”
“Ugh Dad, not now.” I groan at him. He just laughs and walks out of the room.
“So what are you going to do?” Karrie asks me, and I look at her.
I shrug. “I have no fucking idea.”
“We should send him a box of vibrators,” Vivienne says, then looks at Karrie. “Remember when Matthew threw all yours out?”
We all groan now. “Right in the middle of the street.”
Allison can’t help but laugh and neither can I. “I need to see the picture again,” I tell them and grab the phone from the counter where it was laid after making its way through everyone’s hand. I look at the picture; his hands are on her face. “He’s such an asshole.”
“He is,” Karrie says, “but you can’t let him get to you.”
“Well, you can let him get to you,” Zoe says, and I look at her in shock. “But then you take all that energy, and we devise a plan to castrate him.”
“Girls,” my mother says, shaking her head. I am not going to lie, we are a handful, and no matter how many times we said we would be good, it would just go downhill and fast. The number of times they got pulled into the office at school was a record, and I swear the teachers let out a collective sigh of relief when we graduated.
“What?” Zoe puts her hands up. “I mean Allison”—she looks at her—“you watch Game of Thrones. Don’t they do that, and the guy still lives, right?”
“It’s true. You can survive without a penis,” Allison says, then hears my mother groan. “But I don’t suggest you guys cut off his penis.”
“Thank you,” my mother says.
“Fuck that,” Vivienne says. “Hit him where it hurts.”
“Yeah,” Zoe says, nodding. “Hit him where it hurts, but will it hurt if he doesn’t even use it?”
“Vivienne,” Karrie hisses, “not helping.”
My father walks back in the room. “Is everything okay in here?”
“We’re talking castration, but it hasn’t been decided,” my mother says, wringing her hands while my father’s eyes go big.
“Oh, I know,” I say, running upstairs and grabbing my phone. “That fucker wants to get married.” I laugh bitterly, opening Twitter. “I’m crashing his fucking wedding.”
“Oh dear God,” Karrie says while Vivienne cheers me on, earning her another glare but this time from my parents also.
“What are you doing?” my father asks, and I smile, almost like a Cheshire cat with the mouse tail flipping my mouth.
“I am getting myself the hottest date out there, and we are going to go and congratulate that pencil dick asshole.”
“What do you mean by getting yourself a date?” my father asks, his face going white. “Are you hiring an escort? Zara Stone,” he hisses out my name.
“Not exactly,” I say, smiling. “I’m going to do better.”
“Why am I the only male in this house?” he yells and sits down on one of the stools, and my mother walks to him. “She is going to give me a heart attack.”
“Oh my,” I hear from Allison laughing on the side, “this is going to be so good.”
“What is going on now?” my father asks, and then she hands him the phone and displays what I just did two seconds ago.