Total pages in book: 52
Estimated words: 50770 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 254(@200wpm)___ 203(@250wpm)___ 169(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 50770 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 254(@200wpm)___ 203(@250wpm)___ 169(@300wpm)
So now I have a white wall I stare at and I imagine a family member, it always changes, it’s always different, but they’re in the room smiling, telling me to be strong.
It helps.
Or I lie to myself and tell me it helps, maybe that’s just what lonely, sad people do, just like how I try to mask it with humor and sarcasm.
But right now as I clutch my phone in my hand, with a text message I want to send that says please just, please, replace my phone with your fingers, with your touch, please just stand in front of that wall and stare while I get poked and prodded, while my family is missing, while my sister still hates me so much that she literally dropped me off at the front of the hospital with a fever of one hundred and four.
I collapsed into a wheelchair in the lobby and I just waited for someone to notice, maybe that will be my entire life, waiting for someone amazing to notice until she takes that too.
And then, I just allow it, because she’s also been through a lot emotionally, it’s like I’m handing out all the good that happens to me, to her without fighting her on it, because I’m punishing myself for not being perfect, punishing my body for not working the way it should.
“Hey,” My nurse, Sarah, grabs my phone, her smile is fake, we all know it, but I believe it because otherwise I think I might actually give up. “We have to run some panels, you feeling up to it?”
“Do I have a choice?” I let her put my phone away, along with the unanswered text.
She scrunches up her nose. “No, actually, not really.” Her laugh is infectious. “You know we hate seeing you, right?”
“I hate you too.”
“Glad we still have that boundary.” She nods. “Let’s just get this shit done so I can send you home and you can go have awesome sex, but don’t tell the attending I said that.”
I actually laugh. “Well, the sex was…“
I forget that I’m speaking out loud.
She pauses. Stares me down for at least three seconds with her short black bobbed cut hair and perfectly tanned golden skin. “I want every detail.”
“No!!!” I laugh. “No, I mean, well he did fall between my thighs.”
“Sure that’s normal.”
“After a near death experience.”
“Not so normal.”
I laugh again; it feels good. “It’s a long story, but the beginning was epic, the middle feels good, not so strong, but good, the ending however,” I shrug. “He doesn’t know how sick I am, so maybe I’ll just imagine seeing his back now as he walks out of these doors, I can be tough like that, it makes it easier when you daydream about them walking away from you rather than toward you. That’s what strength is you know? It’s taking those moments and accepting them, then dreaming about them leaving, so when they actually do, the knife doesn’t dig as deep when you pull it out.”
Sarah nods slowly, then sets down her iPad and sits on the bed, her blue scrubs even look good on her, she’s the girl you want to hate but can’t because she’s so kind. “Listen, you make your own journey even with the difficulties you suffer around you. Right now, you’re going to be depressed and anxious because your body is physically working against you, but this too shall pass and when it does, you’ll have that nice love waiting for you. I know it. Trust it. I know it’s hard to trust your own body, your mind—but isn’t it time to trust another human other than yourself?”
“And watch them let me down… again?” I ask. “I just wish—“
A knock sounds on the door and then Zane walks in. “Heard we had a celebrity in here getting tested.”
Sarah looks ready to swallow her own tongue when she stands, nearly drops her iPad, and bows.
Oh God, she literally just bowed.
I hold my laugh in.
Zane winks at me like he knows it.
Sarah seems to realize it then does this awkward laugh before bowing again, maybe it’s a habit now. “Yeah, I’m just gonna go get all the supplies to draw, um, blood, the red stuff. Haha.”
“Weird, I thought it was purple,” Zane says with a straight face.
“Oh, no.” Sarah gets serious. “It is actually red even though when you look down at your skin it can be in a variety of—“ Her nostrils flair. “You’re messing with me, aren’t you?”
Zane’s grin is priceless. “I was seeing how long your medical and informational speech would be until you realized it.”
“Now.” She points at him. “Now I know why the nurses say to watch out for you, it’s not because of your good looks but your ability to get into our heads by looks alone!”