Total pages in book: 126
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 129881 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 649(@200wpm)___ 520(@250wpm)___ 433(@300wpm)
That’s bullshit. These are normal walls.
He’s just a liar who’s pissed because I screwed up and now, he has to coddle me like a fucking kid.
I brush my hair out of my eyes and then run my hand over my entire head, gripping my stupid curls. They feel so ugly. I want my beanie, and I wish I could pull off a slow reveal like Jake. I wish I could fucking own that shit. Maybe then he would’ve reacted when he took off my shirts because he barely even looked at me.
And now I know he’s definitely changed his mind.
You know what? I can answer my own questions.
He doesn’t want me to be his boyfriend.
He doesn’t want me. Not like that.
We’ll be best friends but nothing more.
He can’t even tell me if he still wants that. He isn’t saying a goddamn thing anymore, and I wonder if I said something wrong and if he hates me now. I wonder if I should just leave.
Stop. This isn’t you. You know it isn’t.
My body is rigid and I’m flexing every single muscle I have as I argue with the poison inside my head, and I’m almost convincing.
Jake wants me.
My hair looks fine.
He isn’t mad at me for taking the drugs, and he’d fuck me right now if he could. He wants to.
I want to believe it.
This is why junkies stay high, because who can stand feeling this low all the time?
I crush the pillow against my chest as I hate myself a little more, and I don’t feel the bed dip or the sheet move at all, but then Jake is under the covers with me and flush against my back, and his jeans are off now too.
His bare legs are warm and bending into the back of mine, and his arm is solid and over me and holding me while his other arm slides underneath the pillow we’re both using now, and he grips one of my hands and pushes his fingers between mine so he’s holding it from the back, and I don’t think he could hate me and do this.
Letting me sleep in his bed is one thing.
Cuddling is something else, it’s another level and not a thing enemies do, and we’re actually cuddling.
I’ve never felt so happy and miserable at the same time.
“I know what this is,” Jake says, mouth buried in my hair. “You forget I’m just as fucked up as you are, Felix, so I know what happens after the high wears off. I loved blow, remember? That paranoia shit while you’re withdrawing fucking sucks. You don’t need to explain it to me, and you don’t need to tell me you’re sorry, okay? I’ve been through it.”
I sniffle, hugging the extra pillow tighter.
“I want you. I’m going to fuck you. And we’re not just going to be fucking around either. I can’t believe you’d ask me that shit.”
Breath bursts out of my mouth. “I didn’t—”
“I know why you asked, okay? I get it. But it still pissed me off to hear. Only because it’s you, and I think you’d accept that from me if that’s what I asked for, and you shouldn’t, Felix. You deserve more than that. And who the fuck knows if any of this is going to sink in right now, but I’m saying it anyway. If you wanted to just screw around and not date, I’d do it. I’d hate not getting more from you, but I’d deal with it. Maybe I’d get over wanting you as my boyfriend. Maybe not. But you are out—”
“Wait,” I choke out, cutting him off.
I let go of the pillow and wiggle in his hold to loosen his grip, then I roll over so we’re face to face, our foreheads nearly touching and our legs tangled.
“I need to look at you. I’m—what were you going to say?”
His eyes jump between mine, then he reaches up and cups my cheek. “You’re what.”
“Nothing.”
“Not nothing. Tell me.”
“I’m not okay right now. I’ve been thinking the worst shit.”
“About yourself?”
“And you. Us.”
Jake nods once, and I know he understands all of it. Why this is happening and why I need him to validate me.
Perks of dating another addict.
His thumb caresses my cheek. “I was saying, you are out of your fucking mind if you think I’d ever want to just screw around with you. Not you, Felix.”
I swallow hard and lick my lips. “So, I’m still your boyfriend?”
“Yes.”
“And your best friend. You want both.”
“Yes.”
“Okay,” I rush out, relief filling me. “And the walls really are thin? You weren’t just making up an excuse so you wouldn’t have to touch me?”
His brows draw together. “Jesus Christ. No. Is that what… fuck it. Just come here.”
Jake pulls me closer and kisses me, both of us pressing firmer together and our mouths opening at the same time.