Total pages in book: 106
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97951 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 490(@200wpm)___ 392(@250wpm)___ 327(@300wpm)
She took it, feeling sorrow, resentment, and so many other things she still couldn’t quite put into words.
“Go on, you can do this, baby,” he encouraged. Lennox brought his knees up and stared at the grave, offering her quiet support.
She unfolded the letter, took a deep breath, and began to read aloud…
“Father… I titled this father because you are not deserving of the term of endearment of ‘Daddy.’ I wanted a daddy all of my life. I never received one. For the longest, I hated you with all of my heart and soul. Yes, I am angry. I have the right to be. Yes, I am hopeful and healing, because I need to be. When you met my mother, JoAnn, you promised her the sun, moon and stars. All you actually gave her were moon craters, asteroids, and black holes. I know that everyone sees love in their own way, but I felt no love from you, ever in my life. You were not there physically, financially, or emotionally. It seemed that you wanted to forget us. You wanted to pretend we never existed.
“Then, you became a minister, so full of yourself. You’d think that after you found God, you’d be more loving. Unfortunately, you didn’t practice what you preached. The rare times we spoke, you never said words of encouragement. Any exchange we had, you were always fixed on degrading or judging me. You never apologized for how you treated me, either. I’m glad you didn’t because it wouldn’t have been sincere. You wanted to leave your sins behind, and pretend to be a saint. We all are sinners, Father. Our sins are lessons to learn from, and they make us stronger so that when we are faced with more problems, we know what not to do in the future.”
She paused, took a deep breath. Lennox slowly stood to his feet and wrapped his arm around her waist.
“…I loved you. I truly did. In spite of yourself. You didn’t just betray me and Mama. You betrayed yourself. You missed out on my entire childhood. You missed out when I lost my first tooth. Took my first steps. But Mama was there. Regardless of her and my differences, she was there!” She paused, sobbing. Lennox pulled her to him and kissed the top of her head. She gathered herself, shook it off, and continued.
“The little bit of money you had when you died went to your new wife and her kids. I’ve heard I have two sisters and two brothers. Some of those children from your first marriage that you didn’t tell Mama about when you got her pregnant with me, and the other one from your third marriage, after you deserted us. I have no idea where these brothers and sisters are. Me and Mama were just told to stay away. As if we were the ones who were wrong. When I was twenty-two, I tried to find one of my alleged sisters on social media. I believe I did, and I was left on read. I tried with an alleged brother, and was told to just move on before being blocked. I never had the desire to try again after that.
“Someone got to them. Lied to them about us. I know who that someone is. Mama and I were made out to be villains, on account of you I’m sure. Father, it is clear to me that you were dealing with things I knew nothing about. Stuff you probably never even admitted to yourself. Pride, mental illness, pain, family trauma and disappointment seem to be abundant in our family. I am begging and praying to God that my future children will never feel the way I did, but I am still glad that you gave me life. I am glad that regardless of the ups and downs I have faced, God used you to bring me into the world. I am here. I am alive. I am… happy.
She swiped at a tear, then went on.
“I have a wonderful man in my life. I am finishing my law degree and was accepted into a special program to complete it even sooner. I’m going to be a wife soon, too. I’m eventually going to be a mother one day, God willing. I am scared to be a parent.” Lennox squeezed her. “Children are a beautiful blessing and I want my own, but I am so afraid of failing them. Of making their life hard. Mama had to remind me that being a parent is not all roses. It’s tough, and I’m going to make mistakes. I don’t mind mistakes, Father. I mind not having accountability. Not having remorse. Not receiving genuine apologies. I mind bringing life into this world, and stomping on it. All flowers need watering. We need the showers. We need… the rain. Sometimes the rain brings pain. Like my tears whenever I think of you. Anything I wanted out of life though, I went after. I have to treat my healing the same way. Sometimes, I was in my own way. Sometimes, I was the problem. I was angry that I couldn’t lash out at you anymore when you died. And I was angry that you died, never telling me that you loved me…