Total pages in book: 118
Estimated words: 109178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 546(@200wpm)___ 437(@250wpm)___ 364(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 109178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 546(@200wpm)___ 437(@250wpm)___ 364(@300wpm)
“You don’t need any guidance, sweetie. You’ve fallen but always got up.”
“I get up, yeah, but each time I fall, I am a little less steady on my feet, and have more bruises. Some injuries can be avoided with education. I don’t need you to be my crutch. I don’t need you to be my ride to the destination. I need you to just point the way. Who is JoAnn?”
“You’re askin’ me to betray my daughter, baby.”
“Nana.” Nadia closed her eyes and fought tears of anger. Grief. Sadness. Her body shook like a bone rattling song. “I don’t know nothin’ about no family curse, sounds like an excuse, but at this point, anything is possible. What I do know is that I’m full of piss and vinegar, as you like to say. I’m on the verge of ending up like my mother, in the bad ways, too, but I don’t want to!” She blotted away more budding tears. “Is that what JoAnn would want? Is that what you want? I got a change comin’ outta me.
“I’m sittin’ on yo’ porch at this crazy time of day—it’s still dark out, and yet we’re up drinking orange juice as a bird sleeps with her babies up in that tree. My car was messed up and got towed to an auto shop due to some asshole who couldn’t take rejection, and because of that, I had to Uber over here. My boyfriend is none the wiser and may hit the roof when I tell him what happened to me tonight, ’cause when I tell him, it’s going to take me, the National Guard, and five professional wrestlers to keep him off of Dice. Something has turned a light on inside of me, and it is tryna make me see! I’m hurting! I’m proud of my progress, but I gotta keep moving. I’m ready! My pain ain’t just from Mama. My daddy broke my heart, Nana, and now he’s dead. I’ve got a lot going on inside! My car and filling out a police report are the least of my concerns right now!”
“Nadia, as far as your father, he can’t do nothin’ now because—”
“That man had a whole ’nother family and left me in the dust. He was my first example of how a man should behave. I have had countless chaotic relationships. I’ve been raped before. It happened when I was sixteen. Maybe if he was around, it wouldn’t have happened.” She saw a little life and light leave Nana’s eyes. “Same age you got married the first time. You know about the assault in college now, Nana. It was a medical miracle that I had even survived that attack. You and I have had the same crap happen to us, Nana. It ain’t right. Different journey. Same map! Closed mouths do more than not get fed. They keep horrible secrets. Closed mouths keep the hurt alive!”
She quickly wiped another tear away, holding her head high. Her voice quaked as everything crashed down at her feet. Nana also seemed on the verge of breaking down.
“I’ve got LeRon harassing me still, too…”
“LeRon?! But I thought that court case was closed?”
“It is. He don’t want to accept the verdict, and he can’t accept that I don’t want him no more and moved away. Mind you, this is the same negro who cheated on me, gaslit me to smithereens, and all sorts of devious mess. He’s a narcissist, and I didn’t even know what a narcissist was until after I got rid of him. I’m saying all of this to say, Nana, that my life has been a big ass dumpster fire from the time I was born, up until now. I’m not feelin’ sorry for myself. Please don’t think that.” She put out her hand as if to say ‘stop.’ “I’m just venting. Expressing myself. The hurt. This is part of my healing. Finally telling the truth about it, and facing it. Taking it for what it is.”
“I know that, uh, your daddy hurt you, baby.” Nana leaned forward and tapped her knee. That light, warm touch was a soothing balm.
“It wasn’t just that he hurt me, Nana. He hurt my mother, too. I know that my father asked my mother to abort me. He told me.” Nana’s complexion lost color. “Yup. I’ve known for years. Even pitched a fit when she refused. I asked my mother about it. She admitted it—said he was cryin’ and droppin’ to his knees, talking about he don’t want no babies. He hated me before I was even born.” Nadia dabbed at her eyes.
Her grandmother hung her head again, shaking it. “What else did JoAnn tell you?” She then sat a bit straighter.
“I know that he was married to someone else when he got with my mother, too. I know that mama was not aware until his divorce was final, but by then she was already pregnant with me, and forgave him. She was in love. He was in lust. She lived to regret it.”