Total pages in book: 118
Estimated words: 109178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 546(@200wpm)___ 437(@250wpm)___ 364(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 109178 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 546(@200wpm)___ 437(@250wpm)___ 364(@300wpm)
“…Ain’t no reason to burden you with my private affairs.” Her jaw tightened.
“Mama, your private affairs are no burden. When I was a child and would ask you things about yourself, you’d tell me to stay in a child’s place. I’m grown now. I’d love to know more about what makes you you.”
Mama’s world was framed in dark shades of blue, with no light at the end of the tunnel. The woman saw no gray areas. Just a sea of darkness. She spent most of her time working, being in school to learn how to make more money, or dedicating herself to her chosen occupation. She was one of the hardest and most self-disciplined women she knew.
When Nadia and Nelson were little, Mama often disappeared into her bedroom with her music turned up high. That was her alone time. Her dating life, so to speak. Mama didn’t keep no man. There was no guy sitting at their table or on their couch when they’d get in from school. It was clear that this was by choice. But Mama did keep a daily schedule and followed it, made sure they did too, and she kept a clean house, while taking care of her children. She’d been authoritarian, hard to get close to, but at times funny. Lunches were packed. Clothes were ironed. Hair was combed. She showed love through action, seldom saying the words.
“What do you want to know?”
Nadia was surprised by this invitation. She closed the magazine and set it aside, this time not reaching for another.
“Why did you hate it when me or Nelson would cry in front of you? Kids cry.”
It was like Mama couldn’t understand sadness. Couldn’t stand to even hear someone crying, or falling to pieces. Or maybe she understood it too well, but refused to discuss it. She might have thought that even uttering the truth of any pain she endured would somehow give it power over her life, once again.
“I know kids cry. I didn’t hate when you’d weep.” Mama looked downright confused by such an accusation. Maybe she had no idea that she’d behaved that way for all of those years? Was she that lacking in self-awareness?
“It sure felt like it. Mama, you used to always say, ‘Don’t let nobody turn you into a victim twice.’”
“Yeah, I remember that. The first time someone hurts you, well, they did what they did. It happened. It cut you deep. The second time someone hurts you, you were already warned. You ain’t no pig, so stop rollin’ in slop. Learn your lesson before you have to get down in that mud and drown.”
“Did another man, besides my daddy, get you down in the mud and make you drown?”
Mama got up from her seat, grabbed another beer, and sat down with it.
“Nadia, why do you think the women your customers are in relationships with ignore them, and they come to your place of business instead? Besides you stating earlier that they know the real them, and it’s a fantasy and all.”
Nadia ran her hand along the side of her neck and massaged a kink.
“Because women nowadays have too much to do and no time to cater to a man’s ego and pride. She’s raising children, helping to take care of grandchildren in some cases, working in and outside of the home. She got a full plate, and playing make-believe to a husband isn’t on the agenda. The last thing she wants to do is look at the man standin’ at the end of the bed butt naked, pot belly sticking out, talkin’ about, ‘Gimme some.’”
Mama glared at her, then they both burst out laughing. She watched as the woman who brought her into the world gulped the rest of the beer, then tossed it into the nearby recycle bin.
“Nadia, everybody has a storm they’re tryna avoid. I’ve got mine. You’ve got yours. You shouldn’t let some shit you survived already turn you into a victim again. Storm… hard rain. It comes. It eventually will stop. But you still replayin’ all that in your mind. It’s controlling you. You got a lot of me in you, whether you want to admit it or not. You can blame me for a lot of things. Some of ’em are my fault. Many aren’t. You can blame your father, too. But there’s no one left to blame now for any failures in your life, at your big age, but you.”
“I never said I blamed you for anything.”
“You ain’t have to… you just sometimes enjoyed it when I was down in the mud…” Her face flushed. “We all get pushed down in the mud, baby, at least a time or two, ’cause we didn’t heed the warning from God the first time. It wasn’t just one man that tried to kill my soul—it was many. It’s their nature. Startin’ with the way my daddy treated my mama, all the way ’til I dealt with Nelson’s father. You tell me I don’t talk to you, but the way I see it, the details ain’t necessary, and they’re mine to hold.”