Total pages in book: 55
Estimated words: 51407 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 257(@200wpm)___ 206(@250wpm)___ 171(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 51407 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 257(@200wpm)___ 206(@250wpm)___ 171(@300wpm)
The community gardens delight her so much that she forgets her nerves and shame and quizzes the head gardener, Bogdan, about the plants until he huffs in surrender and tells her that if she’s going to take up his time, the least she can do is help. I watch closely, ready to jump in if Belladonna wilts, but she just smiles and says, “Teach me. Please.”
The next day, she’s out there before I’m even up, dressed in pants and a tunic that she must have asked someone for, because I know they weren’t among the items I ordered for her wardrobe. I wouldn’t know she’d gone if I were working like I normally would be, holed up in my study. Right about now, I should be taking my coffee as I read through correspondence to figure out what needs to be responded to quickly and what can be left for a later hour.
Instead I’m on the west balcony of the manor, sipping my coffee and watching Belladonna and Bogdan in the garden. I can see most of the village from here, and though I can’t pick up Belladonna’s features at this distance, I can see that her body language is relaxed and easy. Even Bogdan has lost some of the customary tension he maintains; I’ve only ever seen him this patient when teaching the village children.
“She seems to be settling in.”
“In some ways.” I don’t look over to where Inna leans against the balcony. My court has been checking up on me throughout each day, and they can’t quite decide if they’re worried or pleased. I’m not acting like myself.
Inna sighs. “I didn’t really want to be the one to have this conversation with you, but we drew straws, so here I am.”
That’s enough to have me turning to give them my full attention. “That’s a very serious statement for so early in the morning.”
“I’m not going to tell you what do to with her, Rusalka.” They shake their head. “And I’m not going to lecture you on all the risks and rewards. We both know you’re already aware of them.”
Tension coils along my spine. “It sounds like the only talk we’re having is what you’re not going to say.”
“Don’t get pissy.” They prop their elbows on the railing. “What I am going to say is that you should examine the awful feeling of watching someone you care about hurt themself for the greater good. Really wrap your hands around it, you know?”
This is leading somewhere and I don’t like it. “Why?” I snap.
Inna turns and looks at me fully. “Because it’s what we’ve been feeling for years, watching you drive yourself into the ground to protect us. You kill yourself just to make life a tiny bit better, to improve things for our people even a sliver.” They hold up a hand before I can dredge up a response. “I’m not here to battle you about choices already made and actions already committed.”
Some of the fight goes out of me. This is a conversation we’ve revisited over the years, usually when one of my court is scraping me off the ground after I’ve collapsed in exhaustion, metaphorically or otherwise, though that’s only happened literally a few times. “Inna . . .”
“I like her, Rusalka. I don’t want to see her hurt herself, even if it benefits us.” Inna holds my gaze. “Just . . . think about the correlations, yeah?”
I swallow hard. “I will.”
They nod slowly. “The week you demanded she take is almost up. What will you do if she doesn’t change her mind?”
That question has kept me from sleep. Because Inna is right. How many times have I been faced with my decisions to help my people even at great personal cost to myself? How many times have I moved forward without care for the price? It’s hypocritical in the extreme to keep Belladonna from doing the same.
But, gods, she’s been through so much and has scars that go soul deep. “If I allow her to make this decision without any pushback, that will reinforce her belief that she’s only worth what she can provide.”
“Her belief that she’s only worth what she can provide,” Inna echoes slowly.
I take another sip of my coffee, a longer one this time. “I hear you, okay? I recognize the mirror being held up in front of me.” Now, at least. “But I don’t know what I’ll do, Inna. That’s the only answer I have.”
Inna doesn’t press further. I love them for that, even if I know it’s their preferred way to operate—to lay out the facts and let the other person come to their own conclusions.
All too soon, my mug is empty and my excuse for hiding up here on this balcony is gone. Since taking over the leadership role, I’ve never once avoided work that needed to be done until now. But Belladonna feels like a magnet, drawing me toward her despite myself. Not that I’m trying to avoid it all that much.