Total pages in book: 102
Estimated words: 97287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 486(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 97287 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 486(@200wpm)___ 389(@250wpm)___ 324(@300wpm)
He nods slowly, rubbing his lips together. “It’s hard, but it’s for the best.”
“I don’t have any hard feelings for you,” I add feebly. It pains me to see him like this, so vulnerable, physically and emotionally. I wish he’d been this vulnerable from the start.
“Do you have any soft feelings?” he asks. He moves his head back to look at me, his expression strangely hopeful.
I give him a weak smile. I can’t lie. “I do. They’re all soft for you, James.” I pause. “But that’s why I need to protect them.”
He gives me an equally weak smile in return. “I think that’s smart,” he says, clearing his throat. “I can protect you from everything but myself.”
Oh. God.
How painfully true that is.
It’s a knife to my stomach.
I straighten my shoulders, taking a step back from the bed. I’m shaking inside, sick and terrified that I might forget everything I just told him.
“They said you can leave soon,” I say, my voice sounding unnaturally loud and high-pitched.
“I heard,” he says. “I was hoping I could turn the hospital stay into a little bit of a vacation, but I guess not.”
“I’m sure Magnus will put you on bed rest for a week,” I tell him.
He laughs. “Bloody hell, I hope not. I can just see Lady Jane trying to force me to eat chicken soup by the spoonful.”
I can’t help but laugh too, even though my heart still burns in my chest and my laugh rings hollow.
“Laila?” Ella’s voice comes from behind us, and I turn to see her standing in the doorway, trepidation on her face, her hands clasped in front of her. “Sorry to interrupt.”
“No, it’s fine,” I say, walking toward her. “I’m done with him.”
At that I hear James’s sharp inhale, like my words cut him, and I force myself not to turn around and look at his face. Of course I didn’t mean it the way it came out, but if I try to take it back, I’ll just make things worse.
Ella’s looking over my shoulder at James sympathetically, and to my surprise that look doesn’t change when she meets my eyes. “I’m heading back to Skaugum with the boys. Did you want to come now or come with Magnus and James later?”
I feel James behind me, the pull to him, the urge to tell her that I’ll come back with him. But I know that’s not what I’m going to choose.
I’m going to play it safe instead. As safe as I can when I’m going back to the same damn place that James is, where only a thin wall separates his bed from mine.
“I’ll go back with you now,” I tell her.
“Okay,” she says, giving James a smile. “I’ll see you later.”
James doesn’t say anything. Maybe he’s waving his hand goodbye, maybe he’s nodding.
I don’t turn around to see.
Twenty-Four
LAILA
I dreamed of my grandmother last night.
This is the first time I’ve seen her in my dreams since she died.
We were in a meadow, high in the mountains, above the clouds, and the meadow had orange and purple flowers everywhere, like poppies. Suddenly I was sitting in the middle of this field, as if having a picnic, and my grandmother was standing in front of me.
At first I didn’t know what to say. The feelings were too overwhelming, and I didn’t know how to get it all out.
But she calmly raised her hand and said, “There is no need to tell me, Laila. I already know everything you want to say. I have been with you every step of the way, listening and watching. Sometimes I try to give you a sign, but you don’t notice. It’s not your fault. The world is made to keep you grounded, so that you don’t spend so much time thinking about this one.”
“You’ve been watching me?” I asked.
She nodded. “Hearing your thoughts if they pertain to me. I know how much you’ve missed me. And while I know your grief is love, I want so badly for you to be happy too. Life is for living, every second of it, and I don’t want my death to hold you back. You must live with your chest out and heart open. It’s the only way you’ll learn why you took the journey to earth, what it was that your spirit wanted to learn.”
It was like I understood everything at once at that moment. Like it hit me, dawned on me with frightening clarity, what it all meant.
Of course, lying here in my bed this morning, I don’t remember any of that. I just remember what she said. And what she said afterward.
She said, “I saw what happened to James. I saw your heartbreak. His spirit was very close to joining his other spirit on this side. You pulled him back, Laila. It was your love that brought him back. He chose you. No matter what you do going forward, you have to accept that he chose you.”