Total pages in book: 100
Estimated words: 91467 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 366(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 91467 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 457(@200wpm)___ 366(@250wpm)___ 305(@300wpm)
In the past when she pushed I’d eat more just to please her and ease the guilt in my gut. But tonight I wasn’t willing to give her even that. I was through, all the way done.
I looked down at my plate like it was a foreign object. A feeling of frustrated anger assailed me as I thought of how we got here. I thought of all the times I told her no.
I’d kept her at arm’s length and never gave her even an ounce of encouragement when I saw the interest in her eyes. I never once gave her reason to believe that I had any feeling but friendship for her and yet somehow here we are.
Still, I can’t place all the blame on her since I was the ass who’d given in just to shut her up. And to stop my mother’s tears! It was that more than anything that had made me cave.
I couldn’t bear to see another woman I loved in such pain and worry over me so I gave in to her pleas and folded. It was the only thing she asked of me over and over. The one thing that seemed to reassure her that I wasn’t going to give into my anguish and end it with a bullet to the head.
She’s going to be pissed my mother. But it can’t be helped. They’ll both thank me in the end. I know how much my mother cares for this girl, so she’ll want her to be happy I’m sure.
Once she realizes that this match was a disaster waiting to happen she’ll get over whatever anger she’s going to feel over my breaking the engagement. They both will.
With my mind made up I gave one last deep sigh as I placed my fork on the plate next to my half eaten dinner and stood up to leave. The night had only just begun but for me it was already over. The shit was dead before I got here, who am I kidding?
“Where are you going?” I didn’t look at her, couldn’t, and didn’t really want to. “I’m going home. I can’t…” I felt pity and something sour stir in my gut.
I knew from her actions of late that she was expecting me to take her to bed, that she’d been waiting for it for a long time. All the signals were there tonight. Maybe that’s why I had finally come out of the fog enough to put an end to this shit storm of a mess that I’d made.
I’d put it off as long as I could because the very thought made me sick to my stomach. Nothing personal, it was nothing against her. I just wasn’t ready to share that side of me with anyone else, not now, and maybe not ever.
It was a humbling thought at my age, but there was no help for it. Something inside me had died two years ago and I had no real interest in reviving it at this point in time. Maybe that would change in the future who knows.
But for now I can’t and won’t force myself to feel something I don’t. That feeling of being buried alive accosted me again and that’s when I said it. What I should’ve said since the very beginning.
It had been on my tongue these last few days, but I never found a way that wouldn’t cause hurt. Now it didn’t seem to matter. I just wanted out.
“I can’t marry you.” A ton of pressure fell from my shoulders and chest as the words finally left my lips. The feeling of relief was astounding and I was suddenly lighter in body and spirit.
I felt like I could breathe for the first time in months and wondered how in the hell I’d let myself get sucked in so deep. I actually shook my head to clear it as if coming out of a daze.
Something felt different. Like saying those words out loud had freed me in a way that I hadn’t been in a long time. My mind was clear for the first time in way too long and there was even a little spark of renewed hope in my chest for the one thing I really gave a damn about.
I felt like I was waking out of a coma. Like these last few weeks especially I’d just been going through the motions, not really myself. I’d let her and my mother take over in a way.
Once I said yes to the marriage it’s almost as if I’d just given up, given in. That can happen when you stop caring about shit. When you feel like the best of your life is already behind you.
I don’t know where my renewed strength of will came from or why now, but I was glad for it. I could’ve made a very horrible mistake had I not come to my senses. I don’t even want to think of that fucking nightmare.