Total pages in book: 91
Estimated words: 87904 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 87904 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 440(@200wpm)___ 352(@250wpm)___ 293(@300wpm)
“Thank fucking God.”
I pulled in a long breath. “So, yeah. I guess I lost the bet because I couldn’t stop thinking about that kind of betrayal.”
“I’m so sorry,” Red said. “You’re the last person on Earth who deserves that shit. No one does.”
“You wanted me to tell you why I am sober now,” I said. I ran my palms along my jeans. “That’s... kind of why. One piece of the big, fucked-up, shitty puzzle. Everything that happened with Colin. And the things that happened with him were just a repeat of things that have been happening to me with other guys I’ve dated for the past ten years.”
“Christ, has it all been that bad?”
I paused for a moment, trying to think of how to accurately condense why the last ten years had been so bad. Other than Katie, I hadn’t really talked about deep things with anyone since Red had left.
“My career was skyrocketing, but my personal life… it was a shitshow, Red,” I said. “I started drinking more. I couldn’t figure out why I kept repeating the same patterns of being with awful people. And then one night, after witnessing Colin with his cock in another man’s mouth, I couldn’t take it any longer. I felt like I was drowning. I was swigging liquor straight from the bottle and I blacked out, of course. If Katie hadn’t picked me up, I have no idea if I would have made it.”
“Jesus, Liam,” Red said, his eyebrows knitted again.
“It was enough,” I said. “It was finally enough for me to realize the only outcome of my behavior was that I was going to die from it someday.”
Red squeezed my shoulder, silent for a moment.
“I still don’t know why you came here though,” he said. “Of all places, Amberfield seems like it would… have nothing for you.”
My heart caught in my throat.
But Amberfield has the only fucking thing I want.
“Amberfield is... exactly what I need right now,” I said. “I don’t want any excitement. I don’t want to see anybody I know. And besides, I never knew how fucking beautiful places like this can be in the spring.”
“It really is gorgeous,” Red said. “But I’ve always loved it here.”
I puffed out a small laugh. “When you left ten years ago and said you were moving to Kansas, I thought you were actually insane. Now I understand it.”
Red nodded. “I loved having my own little plot of land. I loved that it was relatively cheap to start up my bar. I loved the hills, and the people, and the small town.”
“And you always hated LA,” I said.
“My years in LA were the strangest years of my life,” Red said. “My times with you were the only thing I really loved about Los Angeles.”
My heart did a little leap in my chest. “You enjoyed your time with me?”
Red rolled his eyes. “Come on. You know I was crazy for you, Liam.”
For fuck’s sake, I had butterflies in my stomach now, just from him saying he was crazy for me ten years ago. Red had way too much power over me.
“Until I became too much to handle,” I said.
He was silent, which I knew was a confirmation. His eyes landed on me. His eyelashes were long, and when he looked at me like that, I remembered exactly what it felt like to belong to him. He had always looked at me like I was worthy of so much love.
“It’s okay, I understand,” I said. “I was… a nightmare.”
“Don’t say that about yourself.”
“But it’s true,” I said, scrubbing my palms across my face.
“Doesn’t mean I didn’t miss you like fucking hell,” Red said, his voice low, like it was hard for him to get the words out.
Red wasn’t usually the type to talk about deep feelings or to dwell on anything emotional. He was always there for me—there for anyone in his life—but he wasn’t usually the type to share his own, deeper feelings.
I was stunned.
“I missed you so much,” I said. “I covered it all up with liquor, of course, but it barely worked.”
“And I thought I’d never be able to get over you,” Red said. “Fuck, I told myself I wouldn’t say this.”
“Please tell me,” I said. I reached out, resting my hand on the downy hair of his forearm. I wanted to pull him close so badly.
“I can’t tell you,” he said, running his fingers through his thick hair.
“What do we have to lose, at this point?” I said softly. “You always told me honesty was key.”
“Right,” he said, but I could tell he wasn’t sure.
“So what were you holding back from saying?”
His eyes met mine again. “There were entire years where I couldn’t have sex with anyone without measuring them up to you. Like a… fucked-up curse I couldn’t shake.”
The air felt electric between us—dangerous in tense in a way that I knew I shouldn’t be feeling.